Surprised

Just when I'm feeling blue and down a lil fairy is always there to make me smile. I'm completely grateful for the real friends I have. Lately I've thought a lot about how people come in, and go...take advantage and use, and I've neglected to concentrate on the positive. Somebody just gave me a gift I didn't ask for, but a gift she knew I desperately wanted not for me, but for something else all together...and I'll forever be grateful and then some. Its times like this when I'm reminded what I already know, I'm truly blessed.

Lillies - Mary Oliver

I have been thinking
about living
like the lilies
that blow in the fields.
They rise and fall
in the edge of the wind,
and have no shelter
from the tongues of the cattle,
and have no closets or cupboards,
and have no legs.
Still I would like to be
as wonderful
as the old idea.
But if I were a lily
I think I would wait all day
for the green face
of the hummingbird
to touch me.
What I mean is,
could I forget myself
even in those feathery fields?
When Van Gogh
preached to the poor
of coarse he wanted to save someone--
most of all himself.
He wasn't a lily,
and wandering through the bright fields
only gave him more ideas
it would take his life to solve.
I think I will always be lonely
in this world, where the cattle
graze like a black and white river--

where the vanishing lilies
melt, without protest, on their tongues--
where the hummingbird, whenever there is a fuss,
just rises and floats away.

On my mind...

When you’re sixteen you know everything, when you’re 25 you begin to admit that maybe you don’t know everything…in fact there’s a lot out there that I don’t know…and there’s even more I’m beginning to realize not only about myself, but about my relationships with others as well.

My best friend when I was five isn’t my best friend today. Friends I’ve known for years doesn’t translate into being friends forever. The last few years of my life have been full of changes…and I’ve noticed there’s this glue that tends to stick people together.

I had dinner with my junior/high school friends last Friday. Many of us haven’t seen each other in years, and yet it was as if a beat wasn’t skipped. We asked about each other’s families, shared new experiences and had no problem relating to each other. They know me for who I am…I didn’t need to pretend and none of them felt the need to hold back. We’re all so different, and yet there’s this glue that keeps us together.

I called Anne the other day after not talking since about Halloween and there it was again, that timeless bond that’s never withered. She’s there when I need her, and I’ll forever be there when she needs me…but we don’t talk every day. Months can go by and yet we’ve never skipped a beat with each other…

I’m beginning to learn the difference between bad apples and tart apples…tart apples have flavor, some would even call it pizzazz…but you don’t want to eat a tart apple every day….

Today

Feeling compelled to write, to wonder…to dream and reflect.
Nothing spills forth, comprehension is nil and yet amazement is at full throttle.

Mesmerized by the natural, the mundane and the simple, that’s me lately.

"The role of a writer is not to say what weall can say, but what we areunable to say." - Anais Nin (1914-1977) French-born American Novelist, Dancer

Moving on for Me

Feeling expendable...like a paper cup
I serve a purpose for so many, I'm a resource and a tool....and then thats it.

I'm blessed in many ways to have quite a few friends I know I can count on...and then at the same time there's all this dead weight around me. Ever feel that way? Friendships are all about give and take...and I've been burned so many times by being the GIVER that I'm to this point where I just wanna say fuck it...and only associate with those people who give something back.

And this time...I think thats just what I'm going to do. I care too much and I keep getting burned, slighted and I'm done feeling unappreciated!

Whats wrong with me?

Have you thought so much your head hurt? There's questions swirling around me, feelings of longing...of want, of no definition whatsoever. Is this what it feels to be old, or is there some bigger problem I'm not seeing...not addressing....I guess I just wanna know whats going on all around me.

I'm in the new place in my life where things are familiar, yet not...different, yet the same. Am I that confused these days that I just don't see the big picture, or am I so caught up in trying to figure everything out and solve everything that I'm just missing it?

My grandma decided not to do Christmas at her home...and that saddens me to no end. Sure, in the last few years we've not done it on Christmas day, but there's still been something...and now, this year, they won't be. When she called me earlier this week to help her plan something I was all for it, anything to make grams smile. I've never been all that close with my extended family, but damn, why do they gotta hurt an old ladie's feelings??? If she would've gone ahead with her plans it would've been me, Scott, mom and....oh yeah, and another aunt. But what about everybody else??? Oh yeah, thats right, they're all caught up in something else........I sit here with tears in my eyes and I'm angry not because I won't get to see the rest of my dysfunctional family, but its more that I'm sick and tired of my grandmother getting slighted! What the hell happened with honoring your elders?

I have the world's best husband, there's not a doubt in my mind. When I'm in a funk, there he is with his boyish smile ready and WILLING to put a smile back on my face. When I wanna crawl in a hole and tell the rest of the world to fuck off, there he is ready to hold my hand...His love for the holidays is cute, and slowly I find myself willing to share in the joy of the season with him.

I'm at work right now...on a Saturday, and I like it. I like coming in alone, having my own space and not being bothered. I like getting stuff done...but most of all I love the solitude of it all.

I am a Liberal...

"If by a liberal they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people- their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties.. if that is what they mean by a liberal, then I am proud to be a liberal."
-John F. Kennedy

Tears

Tears
As I stand on my Mountain
and throw my head back to the sky
and the tears in my eyesflow freely
into my ears
and down my neck
as I cry to the Grandfathers
release me please
from this enormous pain
and the Winds whistle
and blow around me
trying to comfort this loss
and remind me
that in this painI am not alone
yet calling forth all that is
to comfort meto hold me close in this
my greatest time of need
to support me
and hold my aching body
hold me Grandfathers
for I am weak and alone
cut off from all I hold dear
hold me in this agony and loss
hold this heart which cries out
for what is gone and can never be againI reach my arms out to hold you please hold these empty arms Grandfathers fill them with the love I have
known and can not share now fill me with what I know to be your love fill me with the love of myPeople who have known this painfill me Grandfathers
fill me again

Crys The Tears
Dreamwalker~Lakota
Copyright 2000

"Orthodoxy is the diehard of the world of thought. It learns not,neither can it forget."
- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963) English Novelist,Essayist, Critic

"Everything flows, nothing stays still."
- Heraclitus of Ephesus(535-475BC) [Heracleitus] Greek Philosopher

"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of stars, or sailed to anuncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit."
- Helen Keller (1880-1968) American Blind/Deaf Author, Lecturer, Amorist

"Posthumous charities are the very essence of selfishness, whenbequeathed by those who. when alive, would not have contributed." -Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832) English Sportsman, Writer

Thanksgiving Eve

Myriad of unanswered questions, thats the story of my life...I'm always thinking, always questioning and at the the end of the day there never seems to be any plausible answers. Sometimes I wonder I if I should just become a nihilist, not like that would solve anything though...

My mom took Scott, Carla, Schanelle and I to dinner last night. It was an appreciated change of pace. Angel won again...Just when you think things are going to change, they don't...Its two steps forward, one and half paces back...and so goes the game over and over again.

I'm baking tonight! I plan on trying my hand at two of my grandma's recipes...and that makes me happy! In the last few years I've definitely grown closer to the old lady, and every day I look forward to our phone conversations. I share my day and then I listen. I've always been told how important listening is...but I'll be honest, it wasn't until I began to truly listen to my grandma babble did I internalize the significance. She's old, she's lonely...and sometimes I know my phone calls make her day, give her something to look forward too....and I find myself feeling the same way. I look forward telling her how Scott and I are doing, or telling her about some new recipe or dinner I tried. I love sharing stories about Scott and I and then in turn hearing funny memories of her and my grandpa. I cherish the fact that she's there for me, and even more I cherish the fact that I'm able to be there for her.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for so many things in my life. My health, my family and friends are all at the top of the list. I look back on the last year and together Scott and I've made so many improvements in our life. I've never been a fan of Thanksgiving, in face many of the darkest days of my youth connected to holidays...and its a hard thing to wipe away the stain of years past. Its hard to take ownership and say, "This is mine, this is going to be a great day!" Its hard, but I'm doing it...holidays are a time to rejoice, celebrate and be thankful, and I'm making the first steps.

I had lunch with a "friend" today...and it amazes me how some women define their total existence on men. It seriously boggles my mind...this "friend" used to hate Taco Bell, she would go so far as refuse to go there during lunch, and now strangely, she eats there. She met me and Schanelle downstairs at lunch (we had gone to the deli) and she walked up with Taco Bell. I made a comment about her liking Taco Bell, and here's the kicker, she tells me she likes it now because her boyfriend likes it! Hello!?!? Do I eat onions because Scott likes them? Yes my life has changed since we've been together, but I'm still me, I still have an identity of mine own....I have friends from before Scott, after Scott and somewhere in between, we've compromised, talked...and yeah, neither one of us has done a 180 for the other....

I have another hour of work left........I think I can make it!

The Summer Prince

A flood of memories, a wave of feeling...a moment of surrender
One voice rattling, laughing...and then whispering
hope was born, nurtured and then tested
a small bud bloomed and then the sun set
left wilted,
left lonely,
left stronger when summer ended
A woman left standing with her arms spread open...

Slowly Getting It

I try to be a good person. I know what is right and wrong. I know how I should treat people…and I know how people should treat me. This is me venting, this is me being frustrated…this is me not understanding.

People come and go, but others stay awhile, they make an impression, they influence your life. I’ve been accused of being too nice for some time now, hell, I think I even wrote a blog about it. This time, enough is enough. I know who I am, and I know that I’m better than that…and I’m tired of being made to feel guilty. Past sins have been repaid…and you know, looking back, I wonder if I’ve lived under a veil of self doubt…

I’ve been accused of being an attention whore, and I think that’s a symptom of something greater. I grave genuine appreciation.

Giving Thanks

I’ve never been a fan of Thanksgiving. I’m not sure why…I don’t really like turkey, and growing up it seemed like a lot of fuss…and I just didn’t get it. I never bought the Indian and Pilgrim thing and overall it just didn’t “fit” together.

I’ve grown up some and I’ve searched for meaning, and I’ve made my life my own, and for the first time I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving. I’m looking forward to being surrounded my friends and family, and I look forward to celebrating the life I’m living and giving thanks for the people who’ve contributed in one way or another.

I’ve made a turkey once before, but this Thursday will be my first Thanksgiving with me as the head chef! Hmm…maybe I should wear a cook’s hat???

Life is rough, there are stumbling blocks, heartaches and pain. There’s memories that leave you sad and speechless, and then there’s the smiles that ground you, that feel like a warm cloak washing away all the cold.

I feel as if there’s been a big picture on the horizon my entire life…and the older I get the clearer the picture becomes…and the more thankful I am for the life I have.

The great affair

The great affair, the love affair with life, is to live as variously as possible, to groom one's curiosity like a high-spirited thoroughbred, climb aboard, and gallop over the thick, sun-struck hills every day. Where there is no risk, the emotional terrain is flat and unyielding, and, despite all its dimensions, valleys, pinnacles, and detours, life will seem to have none of its magnificent geography, only a length.

It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery, but what a savage and beautiful country lies in between.

~ Diane Ackerman ~

Let it all go

I talked last night...in detail, about something I've only hinted about to two people. I held his hand, he asked...and I opened up knowing that I had nothing to lose and so much more to gain.

Everyone has shadows...and there's bones everywhere, remants of the past that have the ability to stick to you like lint, and the true test isn't taking the lint off, in fact, I think thats the easy part...the hard part is looking down at yourself and realizing there is lint on you.

This morning I woke up surrounded in a cacoon of love feeling safe and comforted and even though its taken me this long to say it, I know its ok...and I know the lint is getting pushed aside.

Update of Sorts - No Catchy Title

I haven't written in here for so long! But yet...everyday I think about making a mark. I go to bed, and I think about writing...in fact I have all these wonderful ideas and I just wanna run to the computer...but I stop myself, I do what is right, whats in my best interest, I turn it of and go to bed...I get some rest...because in all honesty thats the one thing I crave the most in my life.

Work is improving...and I'm quite grateful. I'm happy to report that the fucktard is LEAVING and Schanelle has been hired as her replacement! All in all things look bright and promising in that corner. The property world is a completely different arena! The girl I assist and I are beyond busy...and I'm not joking when I say there isn't an end in sight...and so the band marches on! I'm learning lots....and yeah, I'm not terribly passionate about insurance, but for now, its all good. However with that said....I won't be here forever, but I won't be leaving anytime soon either! The people are nice, the environment is pleasant....and I'm planning on going back to school!

I've done so much lately...and I've only captured moments in pictures, and I feel as though words are needed. Not to justify...but to celebrate...and in many ways to move on.

I had my first real adult vacation...and for the first time ever I completely relaxed. I snuggled, huggled, giggled and at the end of the day I laid my head on a pillow and just slept. I didn't worry about bills, work deadlines, changing friendships, family or anything. I endulged my narcissism and was Wiski, with all of her faults and all of her moments. I cried, I even argued, I smashed my toe and got drunk. I saw sisters I haven't seen in years...I danced the like nobody was watching and most importantly I breathed.

I've always been one to think too much...to over analyze...and at times I've been accused of feeling too much. Acceptance is a funny word full of meaning, translation, interrpretation and at the end of the day do any of us truly know what it means? I've always thought I've accepted myself for who I am, and I do...but I've learned that there is so much more to acceptance. It can be an appearance thing, a friend thing, an intellectual thing...and a me thing, and I'm learning that I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not being perfect, I'm ok with owning up to my own mistakes...and I'm ok with saying I don't have all the answers and every day I'm learning that its ok to ask for help, its ok to lean on people you can count on. On the same page though.....I'm also ok with being the confident and intelligent woman I've become!

While I was on vacation my grandma went to the hospital and my mother didn't call me to let me know. When I got back from Tennessee she filled me in. I went through the first emotion of being angry that nobody told me...but then I realized why I didn't get the call. First of all she wasn't in any danger and secondly I worry too damn much. I will never feel guilty for caring too much about anybody....but I do struggle with worrying about things that are out of my control. My grandma is one of the most important people in my life and my bond with her is unlike any other. She's been my cheerleader, a role model and an inspiration in true compassion. When stability was an issue, she and my grandfather were always there...and now its just her, and I'm wise enough to know she won't live forever, yet numb knowing that Time is a fickle fairy.

Halloween was a turning point for me. Celtic's celebrate this as their New Year, a time for both beginnings and a time for endings and the perfect time for me to celebrate! My favorite holiday definitely did not go unnoticed. I was a whore, a witch and a fairy...hmm, I wonder what that says about who I am as a person? LOL! Scott was a pimp, a Mexican and Dorothy! Oh...and I broke bread with Schanelle and Amber (sorry, inside corny joke).

And now the Fall is here, with a Southern California bent to it...and like everything else in my world right now, it feels good. It feels good to be who I am, where I'm going...and who's along for the ride with me!

Just For A Day

I didn't write this, but it touched me, and I wanted to park it here.

Just For A Day
By Rosa Garfield Clemens

Just for a day to put my sorrows by,
Forget that summer dies, that roses die,
And the swift swallow circling round the eaves, Leaves us with falling leaves.

Forget the sky shall lose its gold; the sea
Grow white in tempests; and the long nights be Forlorn of stars, and
dreary with the rains, Beating against the panes.

Forget that change is, and that sorrow is,
That souls grow tired, and sweetest memories In time turn bitter, and
the one sure friend, Is death, that makes an end.

Just for a day, to put aside the years
Washed clean of wrongs, of sins, of heavy tears, And dream that life is
fair, and love a truth, And youth is always youth.

That, if the swallow dies, 't is for a day,
To come again at dawn with merrier lay,
Learned in the old, fair lands, and the rose brings, New splendors with
new springs.

That God is near, and heaven near, and death, So far the young heart
scarcely reckoneth, The time by years and years, as now by days, And the
whole earth is praise.

And faith is as a spotless dove, with wings Unclogged with doubt, with
many questionings Unanswered; and the heart not yet doth tire, Of its ownvain desire.

Just for a day to put all sad things by,
Forget that dreams are dead, that dreams must die.
Joy is a breath, and
Hope a star that sets.
Forget as love forgets.

Akron, Ohio,
October, 1882
From the Victorian Poetry Gazzet

A spoonful of sugar

Tarnished clouds with concealed silver linings
Air turning crisp and brittle
the winds are a changin’
I’m waiting for Mary Poppins to make her arrival
swoop in and fix everything
Rides of wild fantasy and grand adventure
And when it’s all done everything will be settled and right

A Whisper

I haven’t posted anything here for awhile. There’s been no one reason why I’ve been quiet; I guess its just one of those places I visit every now and again.

Life is good, just hectic and busy. At least I can say there’s never a dull moment. I feel as though I’m pulled in multiple directions at the same time, and I’ve realized that to some extent I do have Gumby tendencies. Eventually I’m scared I’ll snap…I’m scared that I’ll be stretched too thin, but for now, for today…I’m feeling alright.

Change is a novelty and a fickle beast. A clandestine lover, an affair you fantasize about, but not necessarily one you spread your arms open wide to receive.

I had a terrific weekend. Friday night Scott and I went to a wonderful birthday party for a friend. Saturday morning I came into work for a few hours and then spent the afternoon shopping and napping with my hubby. Saturday night we went out, and I had a great time. Letting go, and releasing steam is just what I needed. Sunday Scott and I went to Disneyland and DCA and even thought we didn’t stay a long time, I still had a fantastic day. The weather was perfect, the crowd was light and the company was hilarious!

Being too NICE

Hi, my name is Wiski and I’m a NICE addict. You laugh, make jest of my problems? It used to be something I was proud of…and now, now it’s something I’m scared of. I used to be a raging BITCH, seriously. I said what I thought, I spared nobody’s feelings and I went on with my big bad self…and then I grew up and I realized that being a BITCH wasn’t going to get me anywhere, so I made myself be nice and after awhile I was like Pavlov’s dog, I trained myself to be NICE….

So here I am, five years later and I have a problem. I’m too nice. I let people walk on me. Yes, I still have an opinion about anything everything under the sun, but when it comes to people’s feelings, I spare them at my own expense. I keep it in…I don’t say what I want to because I’m worried I’m going to hurt their ego, I’m worried they’re going to think I’m a bad person…and you know what, it drives me crazy!

I wish I could stand on top of the tallest building in OC (which is probably Tower of Terror at Disneyland) and just vent and yell. I’d start of with some work shit, and I’m sure I’d have a few candid things to say about my replacement…and then, then I’d have some more shit to say about a bunch of other stuff in my life. And then, when everything is said and done I’d feel so much better! The shroud of NICENESS, the veil of CIVILITY would be gone…and there I’d be, the I-used-to-be-NICE-Wiski….and here’s where the uncertainty is…I’m not sure who I want to be.

I know for sure I don’t want to the raging bitch, sure she’s fun when she’s on a roll, but at the end of the day its lonely being a BITCH...and I know for sure I don’t want to be the QUEEN of NICE either…so I guess I’m left with finding a balance. I guess I need to learn to tap into the old me…and then again, there’s another fear, I silenced the beast before, what happens if I open Pandora’s Box? What happens if being a BITCH feels good? What happens if I don’t want to let go?

Then again…if life keeps going the way it is I’m going to end up bending over backwards, getting it in the ass, pleasing the whole damn world…and meanwhile I become more and more a shadow of the person I want to be, moreover the person I am supposed to be.

So yeah…look out world, I’m visiting the BITCH world for awhile.

I’m taking NO PRISONERS!

who the fuck cares

Call me bitter, call me tired, but I'm so at that breaking point, where I just wanna scream. Now, I know I'm narcissistic, in fact I'll own up to being an intellectual snob, but seriously I feel as though I'm daily losing hope in the human population. People are stupid, lazy, mean, and in the end I realize more and more people I know are fucktards, and then there is a whole other world of fucktards I don't know out there...Scary thought huh?

Ok, so I must've woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, or the cosmos decided today was going to be on of those days. London's transit system was bombed again, more people in Iraq are dead, and the media...the media doesn't really care. The Bush Administration and Tony Blair are trying to downplay everything....I wonder why. Maybe its because the second attack doesn't fit in nicely with their PR, maybe the first one was good for morale, but the second, the second is just overall bad ju-ju....hmmm, just a thought.

Last night I went to some new club opening, and yeah, I'm gonna tell it like it is....it wasn't all that great. Sure the venue was cool and all that, but thats it...I wonder if I can make some money, start a pool over how long its going to last. I'm definitely curious...I mean, it has what it takes.....but on a Wednesday??

I'm swamped at work, beyond swamped and there's no end in sight...no reprieve, no rest....no break for the wary. I just plug on...The replacement, she's a fucktard...enough said on that. I could go into details but her fucktardedness is getting to the point where it seriously frustrates me. Being stupid doesn't necessarily qualify you for fucktard status, but fuck, she's definitely a member of the fucktard camp.

Well, its time for me to get my self in gear and begin another day slaving away for the man. OH JOY.

...at least I have a weekend to look forward too....

tangents

I thoroughly enjoyed my three day weekend! Friday night…hmm, what did I do Friday night?? Hmm, seems like I don’t remember! HA!! Oh yes, now I remember…I got home, took a bubble bath and read Harry Potter. Scott lit a candle and brought me a cocktail!! How cute is that?!? I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with good friends in the garage.
Scott and I celebrated our three month wedding anniversary on Saturday. Before he got home I flooded the garage with the washer, talk about good times! Thank goodness we have a bunch of towels at home!! Scott got off of work and we went to the laundromat. We can be doing anything or nothing together and I still have a good time.

That evening a bunch of us went to BFL for the Grand Reopening/Three Year Anniversary Party. I had a good time partying with my homies! I’m glad Amber and Schanelle came;)

Sunday was our Big Hillbilly Ho Down BBQ!! My mom, Eric, Michelle, the boys and a bunch of our friends were there. Scott bought me a pool for the front yard and I had so much fun playing with my nephews….and then later trying to empty the water out I slid and nosedived in! Go me!

Monday was spent with Carla and her familyJ and then later Scott and I came home for some pool time of our own. Talk about to water babies! Originally we planned on going back over to Mamasan’s, but then we just opted for chilling at the house. Neither one of us wanted to drive and I was content with being a bum at home. It felt good to veg!! I blared some Toby from the garage and we sat on the front yard and watched all the fireworks in the neighborhood! I’ve never seen that many fireworks any one area. All sorts of fireworks lit up the sky and the streets and driveways were sparkling as well. It was then that I had a moment…you knew that was coming didn’t you, I mean, I’m the girl that finds meaning in just about everything!

So as a woman, I sat in my front yard, wearing pants and no bra…and I was like wow, it feels good to be an American. Then I started thinking about my surroundings. I live in a predominantly Latino community and they were fully celebrating too. I despise bigotry, stupidity and racism of all sorts. Sure, messicans love to party…but that’s not just it. Regardless of our color, or culture heritage, I know they were happy for the same reason I was. We live in a free country. Sure…I could go off on some tangent about how power is futile and the Masses are ignorant…and in the end maybe Foucault’s theory of Biopower is correct, but it’s not worth it. I’ve debated with myself over and over again about the American Dream and how it is a fraud…but that’s not either.
So I’ve decided…let me break it down.
Given – American Dream is a self fulfilling prophesy, one of those, if you believe you can, you can kinda things.
Given – Our country has some issues (An unjust war, racial bigotry, sexism, big business, education, and a whole bunch of other shit)
Concluded – I’d never want to live anywhere else. Sure, I want to visit a kazillion places, but in the end, there’s no place but home. There’s no other country that compares to the spirit of the American people.

My two political heros have always been Benjamin Franklin and Frankin Roosevelt. I find it ironic that FDR was named after Ben Franklin…Too bad Scott doesn’t like the name Benjamin, and yeah, no kid of mine is going to be named Franklin! Each of these two men stood for thinking outside of the box, to pushing our country, to utilizing our potential, for having faith in the American People….and now, what the fuck do you call the sort of leadership we have now? Big business exploitation, to using civilians in some sort of global chess game? We have men and women in Iraq fighting for what? Freedom, justice? What? For the love of all that is holy, I’d really really like to know…I mean, hello, isn’t major combat over? I’m still waiting for an intelligent comprehensive coherent argument for us still being there. Forget telling me why we went there in the first place (I know the original “lie” well), but if anybody out there could tell me why we’re still stuck in a hot desert, why we’ve lost excess of 1700 people, and why we’re staying there, I’d really like to fuckin know.

And now…its time for me to go to lunch…more to come later.

Checking In...

I haven't written in awhile, I know.

I have lots to say, but I'm unmotivated to write it all down.

There are moments when life is just dandy, and then there are moments I'd love to just run and keep running. I wanna be like Forest Gump, “And I was runnin….”

Last Weekend Recap – Friday night I went to Cowboy Country, Saturday I went to Julia's baby shower and then visited my Grandma, and then on Sunday Scott kidnapped me and we went to Mexico. We got held up at the border for awhile, and I ended up missing a friend's birthday lunch (the one downer to the weekend). Sunday night as I fell asleep I felt like I could breathe again.

I’m longing to be home right now. I’m longing to clean my room….I’m longing for peace, maybe a lil solitude and some relaxation. I’m longing to dance, to relieve some stress and just have a good time.

Agreed

Lest we ever forget to ask…
"The purpose of art is to lay bare the questions which have been hidden by the answers." - James Baldwin (1924-1987) American Novelist, Essayist

Dali – one of the first artists I actually liked…then again I have a thing for surrealism…
"In order to acquire a growing and lasting respect in society, it is a good thing, if you possess great talent, to give, early in your youth, a very hard kick to the right shin of the society that you love. After that, be a snob." - Salvador Dali (1904-1989) Spanish Painter, Printmaker

Not sure if I’ve posted the next one…so if I did, oh well, and if I didn’t, then good. Ani DiFranco is one of the few voices I admire.
"And I'm wondering what it will take for my country to rise? First we admit our mistakes, then we open our eyes or nature comes to one last dumb decision and America the beautiful is just one big subdivision"-Ani DiFranco

Amazing Grace

Now I know people will read the below and be like…”What, Wiski’s a Pagan?”
So for the record, that is not the point...when it comes to spirituality and religion I dislike labels, stereotypes and assumptions. In my opinion, there’s too much out there to narrowly define myself as anyone thing. I’m “connected”, and I’m leaving it at that

Amazing (Pagan) Grace

Amazing grace, how sweet the Earth
that bore a witch like me!
I once was burned, now I survive,
was hung and now I sing.

T'was grace that drew down the moon
and grace that raised the seas.
The magic in the people's will
will set our Mother free.

We face the East and breathe the winds
that move across this earth.
From gentle breeze to hurricane
our breath will bring forth the change.

Turn towards the South and feel the fire that burns in you and me.
The spirit's flame will rise again
and burn eternally.

We greet the West, our souls awash
in tides of primal birth.
Our tears and blood, our pain and love
will cleanse and heal the earth.

Reach into the North and know your roots down deep ancestral caves. We
find the wisdom of the Crone,
Of circles we are made.

Amazing earth, enduring life,
from death into rebirth.
T'is earth I am and earth I love
and earth I'll always be.

Amazing grace, how sweet the Earth
that bore witches like we.
We once were burned, now we survive,
were hung and now we sing.

Goddess bless, so mote it be,
Our magic spirals on.
Merry meet and merry part
and merry meet again.

Lest ye be JUDGED

"There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with
the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what
we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it." - Dale Carnegie
(1888-1955) American Educator

Isn't this the truth?

"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they becomeactions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; theybecome character. Watch your character; for it becomes your destiny!" -Elisabeth KuBler-Ross (1926~) Swiss-born American Psychiatrist

Because

Don’t get lost standing still. Don’t lose yourself thinking about yesterday or tomorrow.

Breathing now, but living somewhere else.

I’ve had a few days to think, to reexamine and to enjoy myself. I know what I miss, what I don’t miss…I know what I want, what I deserve and what I cherish the most.

I followed through on plans I made for Saturday night. Its funny how Natalie adamantly wanted to go out to the BI…and then we make plans over two months in advance, and then she flakes. And despite her flaking, I still very much looked forward to going. There’s a feeling to the place I can’t quite describe.

The evening started off on a wobbly leg. We get there and I locked the keys in the car (in the ignition) with the lights on. Scott and I spent the first half an hour learning how to use a slim jim…and then finally we go in. I’m at the bar getting drinks before meeting everybody else and Sam comes up to me. I wasn’t angry or even upset about her saying hi. I’m frustrated by her actions and confused as to what her motivation was….but I didn’t let it get to me. Why she felt the need to “greet” me when Roxie and I lead separate amiable lives is perplexing.

I feel as though I’ve been through a divorce. We stopped being friends over two years ago. We went our separate ways, and I began living my life without her in it. I moved from having a constant confidante, a surrogate family, a best friend and a roommate to shielding my heart and walking away. I left a bitter young woman full of anger to holding memories of happiness and sadness. We have mutual friends, and it doesn’t bother me. I wish her well, I think about her often, but what was done had to be done. It happens, people grow apart. That’s all it was, nothing more, nothing less. It takes two to make something work.

Overall I had a wonderful time Saturday night. I forgot what it was like to love the music at the BI. I forgot what it was like to dance and really enjoy the moment. I forgot what late night trips through Jack in the Box were like. And as stupid as it sounds…I kinda forgot where I came from for awhile. You can take the girl out of the 909, but in the end you can never take the 909 out of the girl!

Scott asked me to slow dance with him to “You look wonderful tonight” and it was a made for movie moment. Instead of being filled with longing and wistfully looking at couples on the dance floor it dawned on me that I have exactly what I want. I drove back to memory lane changed but the same, with good friends and a wonderful husband. I ordered a few drinks knowing that I had the money to cover the cost…knowing that I didn’t have to drink and drink and drink to have a good time.

I’m older than my age, and yet for the first time I felt like a “whole” adult, like I’m finally becoming the person I want to be.

Today's thought

"When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man
relies on the language of the first."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) American Poet, Essayist

Quote I like

"The human race is governed by its imagination." - Napoleon Bonaparte(1769-1821) French Soldier, Emperor

Thank You For This Day

When the going gets tough...I need to remember to say thank you. There's a lot of shit in the world, and nothing I deal with even compares to what other people deal with. I'm grateful for today, for where I'm at. Its a beautiful day!

Thank You for this day on Earth
Ancient Mother who gave me birth

Healing Mother who keeps me strong
Crone Mother who brings each new dawn

Thank You for the gift of being
For blessing me with the wonders of seeing

For the sounds and feeling of laughter
and the wisdom learned through pain

Spirit Mother bless me,
tomorrow with a day again


-Anonymous

"The Scholar"

I’m quickly becoming addicted to “The Scholar.”

Premise: X number of high school over achievers competing for a full ride to the college of their dreams. Throw in some cheesy competitions and you have your new reality series.

Review: I can’t pinpoint my exact attraction to the show. Maybe it’s because I Identify with these kids. Rewind eight years and that’s me, I’m the girl who wanted to change everything, succeed in everything and have everything my intellectual lil mind could fathom. Everything was firmly planted in my vocabulary. I shared the same dreams as Davis (one of the dude’s on the show) and I had the same outlook on life as Milana (another character).

And look at me now…I worked just as hard as the show’s contestants, I pushed myself in the same way, and when high school was over, I gave the graduation speech and walked away with a full ride to wherever I wanted to go, in my case it wasn’t the Ivy League, just some small private school halfway between LA and Palm Springs that most people haven’t even heard of.

As I fell asleep last night I thought about “The Scholar” for a long time, about what it means, I analyzed their marketing/advertising and then I dissected the chosen contestants….then I started thinking about where these kids will be in 8 years like me. Will they be like me, or will they have gone on to find a cure for cancer, be President of the US, or walk on the Moon?

Three of us became Harbison Scholars.
Tommy just finished his masters and he’s teaching at Pomona. Eva is teaching Math at a high school somewhere, and then there’s me, the girl who thinks too much and over analyzes everything. Eight short years ago Tommy wanted to be a doctor, Eva wanted to be a teacher and I wanted to be a lawyer. There is no “lesson” to be learned, rather an observation of an observation….of an observation.

Life is merely a series of ironic events strung together to create a semblance of order and balance. So, I’m going to continue to be me, continue scratch my forehead, wiggle my nose and think too much….and you know what, I’m going to continue enjoying my life:)

"A creation of importance can only be produced when its author isolateshimself, it is a child of solitude." - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe(1749-1832) German Poet, Dramatist, Novelist

Drowning in the abyss of aloofness

Some days I just don’t care, and other days I care too much. Balance is something I continually strive for, something I’m always trying to achieve. Balance is like water, I can’t hold it in my hands, its here for a second, and then gone in the next. How does one strive for excellence if there is no benchmark for improvement? I feel like a canary who needs to sing…

My weekend with my husband was delightful. Saturday I got up early (by Saturday standards) helped a friend pack and move her great uncle’s things, then after that I took some me time and went shopping. I rarely do anything by myself…and it was nice to just go. There was no destination in mind as I drove, my body felt like moving. I’m very much an extrovert, but as I get older I realize and appreciate the value of alone time. Saturday afternoon Scott and I went to the Erotica LA Expo held at the Convention Center…and boy was that a trip. Talk about NARSTY looking porn stars!!! Seriously, I’m SO glad I’ve never been inclined to go blonde…and you know what else, I’m so glad I’m me. Instead of seeing pretty skinny women flaunting there goods, I saw skinny, sickly women dressed like cheap whore’s smiling for whatever dick they were taking a picture with. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-porn, but seriously, I’m glad that’s not me, I’m glad I don’t live my life in front of the dvd/vcr player jacking off. I’m glad I know there’s more to life.

I’ll be honest though, I feel sorry for those women, and then I think to myself, they’re the ones that chose that lifestyle, they’re the one’s that get paid to fuck on tv…they’re the ones who degrade themselves and in the end they have nobody to answer to but themselves.

I struggle with being a feminist.
In a society where misconstrued labels are everything, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m tired of defending my label. I want to be done explaining how my term feminist is different from how society views it. I’m sick of attempting to educate the stupid masses. Call me a snob, call me conceited, but come on already….when are people going to begin to truly think???

After the expo Scott and I went to dinner! I love quiet dinner dates with him…we can sit and chit chat, we can talk about something deep….or we can just sit and eat. Everyday it sinks in a lil more that he’s all mine, everyday I find another reason why I love him…and everyday I’m incredibly thankful that I’ve found the love of my life. Some people call us cheesy, or they laugh at how sentimental we are, but you know what, it’s the best feeling ever. He and I are big dorks, and finding my dorky soul mate is the best gift God’s ever given me….

I’m in the mood to babble, whether its intellectual-conceited mumbo jumbo or random shit off the top of my head…I feel compelled to just let it all flow. Some days I think I’m crazy, like there’s just too much going on in my head.

Can you ride a rainbow to the moon, or does it only travel around the world? Can I play hopscotch and end up enjoying tomorrow’s sunset? Can I pull a ribbon and make sense of all the other ribbons?

On my mind

When you go to the bathroom to pee, and a lil fart comes out, why is it that I’m SO very embarrassed? I mean, I am in the bathroom, farting is a natural bodily function, and sometimes a lil one pops out, and I don’t have any control over it. But then, I sit there procrastinating on the toilet, just sitting there, because I don’t want to walk out and have everybody know that I was the one that had the sneaker….

I had dinner with a friend last night, and it was great! We sat and talked, and laughed, and there wasn’t a bad moment. Its funny, ironic, unexpected, how people you think you’ll keep in contact with forever, aren’t the people you do, and the people you do still connect with weren’t necessarily the people you thought you’d connect with…Its random and crazy, and most unexpectedly its comforting.

There’s people from my past that I need to say good bye too, and I think I’m finally growing the cajones to do it. I don’t necessarily have the reputation as being “the nice one,” but by golly when everything is said and done I’m definitely “the people pleaser”. I care too much…I hate seeing anybody uncomfortable or in pain, and if there’s something I can do to make it better, then I do it. Well you know what, it’s a Darwinian world out there, and I’m sick of being used as a doormat, I know I’m better than that!

I didn't write this

But...I wish I did.

Coyotes

Is this world truly fallen? They say no.
For there's the new moon, there's the Milky Way,
There's the rattler with a wren's egg in its mouth,
And there's the panting rabbit they will eat.
They sing their wild hymn on the dark slope,
Reading the stars like notes of hilarious music.
Is this a fallen world? How could it be?

And yet we're crying over the stars again,
And over the uncertainty of death,
Which we suspect will divide us all forever.
I'm tired of those who broadcast their certainties,
Constantly on their cell phones to their redeemer.
Is this a fallen world? For them it is.
But there's that starlit burst of animal laughter.

The day has sent its fires scattering.
The night has risen from its burning bed.
Our tears are proof that love is meant for lifeAnd for the living.
And this chorus of praise,Which the pet dogs of the neighborhood are answering
Nostalgically, invites our answer, too.
Is this a fallen world? How could it be?

~ Mark Jarman ~
(The Atlantic, May 2003)

Would a rose my any other name smell as sweet?

For as long as I can remember I've been fascinated by names. From junior high on I've read countless baby name books. My full name (Wiski-Linnette Lee) means "water of life, song bird (or grace) of the meadow". I haven't ventured/researched what Trepesowsky means yet, but I will soon.

Our names influence our identities, they impact who we are, and how we are perceived. I've lived a different life than most because of my name, and thats just the way it is. There's no badge of honor or chip on my shoulder because of it, its just the way it is.

A friend of mine sent me a short name analysis from www.kabalarians.com. I've constantly battled with who I am, is there a difference between Wiski and Linnette, does my love of duality arise from some internal conflict bestowed upon me at birth, or is it all just mumbo jumbo?

Description of Your First Name of:
Wiski

Although the name Wiski creates idealism and the urge to help others, weemphasize that it causes a materialistic approach that frustrates higherhumanitarian qualities. This name, when combined with the last name, canfrustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause healthweaknesses in the nervous system, and reproductive organs. Your name of Wiski has brought you enjoyment in working with people incircumstances in which you can organize and direct their efforts,preferably in an executive position. You are self-expressive,philanthropic, clever, and ambitious. You like to specialize in whateveryou undertake. This name gives you an optimistic outlook on life. Youappreciate good quality in all things and want the best money can buy.You have big ideals and dreams about the things you would like but youare not always willing to put forth the necessary effort, particularlyif it means being subservient to others or having to work in anunimportant, menial capacity. Position and means are important to youand, in order to create this impression of affluence, you will spendeven when it is not prudent to do so. You like to give the impressionthat you have everything under control.

Description of Your First Name of:
Linnette

Even though the name Linnette creates the urge to be artistically creative and original, we emphasize that it causes an emotional intensity that is hard to control. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the nervous system, and tension or accidents to the head. The name Linnette creates a dual nature in that you can be very generous and understanding, but you can also be so candid in your expression that you create misunderstanding. You struggle with the requirement to soften your expression with tact and diplomacy and to consider the feelings of others. Difficulty in accepting advice or admitting that you may have made a mistake causes you to appear to be stubborn and set in your ways. Thus, you have too often created the wrong impression, and friendships have suffered.

Deep Thoughts

"The poverty of our century is unlike that of any other. It is not, as
poverty was before, the result of natural scarcity, but of a set of
priorities imposed upon the rest of the world by the rich. Consequently,
the modern poor are not pitied - but written off as trash. The
twentieth-century consumer economy has produced the first culture for
which a beggar is a reminder of nothing."
- John Berger (1926~) English
Painter, Teacher, Art Critic

"You can tell the man who rings true from the man who rings false, not
by his deeds alone, but also his desires."
- Democritus (460-370BC)
Presocratic Greek Philosopher

I couldn't agree more

"One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is
indiscriminate charity."
- Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919)
Scottish-born American Industrialist, Philanthropist

BABBALU

Disclaimer, I only pretend to me Mexican, I’m not edumacated in Espanol….so please excuse my Ps and Qs.

I have a new friend! His name is BABBALU…and he lives in my belly! (said like Mike Meyers).

Anywho, the other day I was swimming at a friend’s house wearing my new snazzy suit and embracing the dork that is I. A bunch of us started talking about Desi and Lucy, and how sexy Desi was. For a second there it was like Desi Arnaz possessed me and I was compelled to yell out BABBALU!!!!!!! Don’t ask, personally I don’t get it, I guess it was one of those moment things. It was then that I embraced the Babbalu.

I get on this kick where I say the same things over and over again…Right now I’m on the word “fuckers” and “BABBALU!” Now, I can say fuckers whenever I please, it’s a dual term, I can say it with love and compassion, imagine birds chirping, bunnies leaping through the forest (bunnies do live in forests, don’t they?) and I can also say it with malice, like when some bitch cuts me off on the 405, and the its all about wrath, displeasure and extreme pleasure. I say BABBALU in the same way Pumba farts, it just feels good to say it, rub my Buddha belly and be a dork about it all! In many ways it’s a great stress reliever.

I BABBALU in the bedroom, at work, in the car, when I’m dancing….I can’t explain it…but I can feel it. Its like Mel Gibson screaming “Freedom!”

So, when you’re down, and you need a lil pick me up, clear your throat, capture the moment and BABBALU to your hearts content!!!

BABBALOOOoo its Thursday!

Runaway

Runaway with me to Candyland
Hitch a ride with Willy Wonka
Maybe we’ll take a ride down a chocolate stream, or how does a pop rocks bubble bath sound?
Sipping punch, while leaning on a candy cane streetlight, they call her Pixie for short.
She’s rail thin, kinda pointy on both ends and a tart smile hanging on her lips.
If the price is right, she can be your suga’ for the night.

Runaway with me to Candyland
Grab onto the White Rabbit’s coat tails
Maybe we’ll venture down Sticky Alley, and lick our fingers all the way
Grubby hands, sweaty palms, somebody is always wanting more.
My bag of treats, or yours?
I’ll stick to mine thanks.

Reality is perception, perception precludes reality, perception is not reality. I miss Philosophy classes.

I haven't written in a while...and that bums me out. At times I have so many thoughts swirling around, that just letting it all go in a stream of consciousness fashion is quite therapeutic, but yet, there's never a moment for the weary.
So just a few thoughts this morning….
*Scott and I’ve been sick. I got hit hard with a cold on Monday. I’m on the mend now, so that’s a bonus
*Strawberry margaritas last night were just what the sympathy doctor ordered
*I have a date with Amber tomorrow after work, that makes me smile:)
*Faire last weekend was fun! I love seeing Carla smile like a Cheshire cat
*I have explosive gas this morning….not sure where its coming from. But yeah, this is a totally new experience for me
*Saturn sucks ass!
*I have pretty sparkly nails*
I love singing random songs in the morning on the way to work
*I miss Myspace…but at the same time it feels liberating…hard to explain
*Stupid people, are still stupid people in my book, even if they are nice stupid people, in the end they are sill stupid, its not like the nice part negates the stupid part
*I LOVE dvr (aka wannabe tivo)!
*One more weekend of faire…and then my bedroom will look like a bedroom! I’ll actually have time/motivation to finish unpacking and organizing
*Work….lets just say its been, and will continue to be a LONG week for me

Pictures

Are worth what?A faded memorya kaleadiscope of feelinga moment held prisoner in a frame.Reflections of light, of feeling of recollection, is that what a picture is?

My mom said that to me when I graduated high school, and I remember agreeing with her. I had everything laid out…in my mind every detail was accounted for, and when I arrived to a new stage in my life I knew the stage directions, in fact I think I had them memorized. My master plan was ingrained in my head, and at the new start of each new phase I had a road map complete with a color coded legend. In the last few years I’ve veered away from the master plan, I realized that wasn’t the life I wanted. Every season is a new adventure; every new phase in my life is approached with wonder, with newness, and with a renewed optimism.

I drove to work with the sun in my eyes this morning…instead of being annoyed, I was excited that it was a new day. I woke up this morning with this zest for life I can’t explain. I remembered my mom’s lame saying about glasses, it was like instant recall on my part, and you know what, that’s exactly how I felt. My future is DAMN bright, and that makes me incredibly happy. It’s like I’ve rediscovered the yellow brick road…

Happiness isn’t a destination, its an adventure, a reward, but most of all its peace within yourself. There’s been quite a few naysayers in the past few months, and I’ll admit they’ve gotten me down. Some despicable things have been said about my character, and who I am, and what I’ve supposedly done…and you know what I’m human, it hurt, and it continues to hurt when people I don’t know come up to me and say, I heard about you...and you know what I have an answer - FUCK IT. I know who I am, I know I’m a good person, and I know the truth, and you know what, that’s all that matters.

Tonight Scott and I have a DATE and I can’t wait! I’ve definitely felt like Scott and I haven’t had an abundant amount of “us” time lately. With my busy schedule, then faire, moving to the house, buying the new bed and then Amber’s wedding, we haven’t had any extra money. This if the first time we’re both getting paid in the last month and a half that we don’t have a big expense to worry about. I’m very much looking forward to tonight. Carla has this really pretty black dress she’s had for awhile and I have a feeling is going to look stellar on me! (I hope anyways!) OH, and I think I may even wear heels!! Aww…how I adore being in love and a goof! Its by far the BEST feeling in the world!

Last night Schanelle came over and we hung out in the garage. I love the new house…but there’s a fondness in my heart for our garage. Its like the “meeting place”. There’s been tears, darts, laughter, cigarettes, stories, a cop, some alcohol, the mullet manager, secrets and friendship. Once faire is over, I can’t wait to get everything in order! Not that it isn’t already pimp…but its only going to get better! Just wait for the disco bar!

So I got into work a lil early today, but did I start working right away? Why of course not...why would I do something like that? I mean, yes I planned on it...but then I checked my email and before I knew it I was window shopping on Torrid online, and then that led me to window shopping at Old Navy...and yeah, I've officially wasted a half an hour drooling over clothes I want, but I can't afford....but I still want ‘em. Good thing I get paid tomorrow, and then again on Saturday:) Aww….I love the feeling of money in the bank!

Which leads me to my babble this morning, why is it that people want what they can't have, why is it that for some the grass always looks greener on the other side. I guess its one of those things that is like an idiosyncrasy of human nature. I mean, yeah, there are days when the grass looks a lil more delightful than what I have in my front yard, but you know what, I'd never jeopardize what I have for whats next door. What I have is MINE, its my own grass, I worked for it...I water it (well the gardeners do) but you get the point. And if there comes a time where I want new grass, when my grass isn't making me happy, then I'll adapt, modify and move forward. I guess my point is to value what you have, make it your own, because in the end, who wants to spend the rest of their life looking next door and admiring somebody else's grass? Plant your own seeds, nurture them and then watch them grow.

I'm sad...well not really, bummed is more like it, I've been cut off from Myspace at work. Our web censors classified it as a "personals and dating" site, and I can no longer access it. Oh well, life moves forward. I'll miss the procrastination of bulletins, but I'll live. SO, if you're reading this (and more people read this than I'm aware of), send me some procrastination mail to wiskigirl@yahoo.com!

Speaking of which...when I started this blog I told two people about it, and bam, next thing I know people are like I saw your blog, and I'm like, the one on Myspace, and they're all, um no, your livejournal one...I guess I should've known better. I've realized that we (or more specifically I, I don’t want to use the pronoun we, because well I don’t know who YOU are) live in a vulture internet community. Somedays I'm amused by it and other days I think it’s incredibly ridiculously funny. Don't people have anything better to do? What happened to enjoying the world around you? What happened to having a life outside of the internet world? Sure, I'm a firm believer that we're all connected, but seriously, does it have to be through blogs, myspace, yahoo groups, IMs and all that jazz? Just something I've been thinking about lately....

I used to be addicted to my cell phone, I never went anywhere without it. It was in my pocket, my purse, held in my hands, whatever, it was there, right by my side. I would spend hours on the phone...and I thought nothing of it. Then one day I left my phone at home, and you know what, it was NICE! It was peaceful not having it beep and ring all the time. Sure, I love receiving text messages, but I also love leaving my phone on silent. I own my phone, it doesn't own me.

Anyways kiddies…work is long overdue…and in my typical Jerry Springer fashion, take care of yourself and each other!

can you see?

Sometimes I wonder how the world can be so complicated, how things can be turned upside down, how do you make sense of nonsense? I mean, does that in itself make any sense? How do you take the complicated, the twisted and the misunderstood and turn it around into something not bizarre, not hurtful and transform it into something that is comprehendible, something that can be dissected and analyzed? Why is it that when given all the pieces of the puzzle things still don't come together, is there still a piece missing, or was the puzzle never meant to be understood? Why are there always so many more questions than there are answers?

I love Moulin Rouge...because call me a hippie, a bohemian, whatever, but I truly think Truth and Beauty are what matters. Do you feel what I'm saying? If given the chance I'd love to run naked through a field of wild flowers and join in song with the birds. (Yes, I'm aware of the idea of a woman my size running, combined with the fact that I'm incredibly clumsy has many of you laughing, plus, I can't sing to save my life...). but I digress....

Seriously though, I've come to the profound conclusion that people make their lives much more complicated than needed. We argue about all sorts of things, we classify, label and separate ourselves over mundane and trivial differences, we fail to communicate over the simplest matters and in the end we lose touch with ourselves, with what really matters and in the end, we're left with a void of sorts.

I don't pretend to know anything, let alone everything. In fact this blog is a product of mindless musings fed by boredom at work combined with my propensity to think too much. And through all this babble, I think I have a valid point....is there a way to make sense out of nonsense? Is there a way, a full proof method to see through all the bull shit in life to see what really matters, or have we all failed to see whats right in front of us. Are we really becoming a society of the blind?

30 short days

In the last month...

I've gotten married
Turned 25
Lost friends
Moved to a bigger house
Gained better friends
Learned the value of being true to myself
Gotten closer to my brother
Realized that I can't save everybody
Cried a lot
Laughed even more
Was reminded that quality will always outshine quantity
Written a lot

Things to look forward to...
BBQs this summer in the yard
Housewarming party
Faire being over
Leann's wedding in October
A real vacation!
Promotion at work
Possibly going back to school in the fall
Decorating the new place
Planting flowers
Enjoying my wind chimes
Lazy Sundays

It’s interesting to me how moods change as the seasons change…how other people’s actions frame my state of mind. I truly think everything in life is weaved and intricately connected together. I woke up this morning in one of those philosophical moods….its as if I can’t turn my brain off. I’m consumed by my mind, fascinated with the mundane and confused by the flawed simplicity of nature.

I missed work yesterday…and I just know that today is going to be one of those “days,” you know one of those days where I’m going to be pulled in 5 directions at once, one of those days where I’m going to be so busy that the day is going to go by in a flash…and then, at the end of the day I’ll think to myself, “Was it all worth it?” And, as usual, I won’t have an answer.

Undercover Redneck

I’m at work and my cell phone rang a little bit ago. I didn’t recognize the number, but for some reason I answered it, and on the other end was a recorded message from Leann Rimes encouraging me to watch the final Nashville Star! Ok…so yeah, I may listen to country music, but now I feel like my privacy rights were violated or something. I mean, is there like some redneck list out there, and am I on it???

Destinations Unknown

I'd like to be swimming in the sea
dancing in the rain
singing in the car

I'd like to be hiking in the mountains
sweating in the desert
fighting the sun from my eyes

I'd like to be lounging on the beach
hearing a breeze whistle in my ear
I'd like to be anywhere but here

Rest and Relaxation

All in all I had a good weekend. Friday night I didn’t do too much. After work I went and washed my faire clothes and then met Amber for dinner at the OG. I’m glad we had an opportunity to meet face to face. There’s a lot that is resolved, and a lot that isn’t….but that’s ok. We talked, ate, laughed, people watched, caught up and it was good. I feel good about it all, and that’s what matters. It’s not like we sat there pointing fingers at each other or anything, and that’s always a bonus! After dinner I went to the store and did some shopping for faire…and then I came home and VEGGED! Scott and I looked up some stuff online for the new house, and that was cool. Looks like we’re getting a NEW BED! Did the faire thing on Saturday, and it wasn’t too bad. We hired two more people, so that helped a lot…not to mention they are both friends of mine, and being surrounded by fun people is never a bad thing!

Another Day

Today is new day, and it stands on its own as its ownYes, there is a yesterday, and they are connected, but they too are separate.Being able to differentiate...there is worth in being apart, in standing alone.

Schanelle came over and hung out last night. I had such a good time just sitting and talking. I haven't just sat and relaxed like that in awhile. We just vegged, and talked and then talked some more. I felt like I was wrapped up in a safe blanket. There were no harsh words, no mean accusations and no blame. It was just Nelly, Carla and I and it felt great!

This weekend is another faire weekend, and I'm ready for it! Last Sunday I had a bunch of fun playing with the crowd....and I can't wait to do that again! Carla will be joining me, and I'm sure she'll have a great time too:)

Get a new hobby

My blog is my blog, I don't write it for anybody but myself. If there are people out there who want to disect my every word and attempt to figure out what I mean, or what I'm implying with my words...then seriously, you need a new hobby. Up until today I didn't realize that so many people take such an interest in what I feel about writing. Obviously I was wrong....

Sorting Things Out

When I was in junior high I remember coming home from school in such a funk because I didn't have any friends. I went from hanging out with the MG squad to having nobody. The queen bee decided that I wasn't cool enough, and bam, I was dropped. I remember getting my lunch and looking around for somewhere to sit...for somewhere to blend in. It wasn't that I was disliked, that wasn't it...looking back now I think people just didn't know what to make of me. I was the poor white girl who lived in South Colton...and I was in honors classes. I was an anomaly among a world of carbon copies. I didn't meet the cool kid’s standards, but then at the same time I didn't quite fit in with all the kids in my neighborhood either. So I dealt with it...I did my own thing and plugged on.

Things changed in high school and I became comfortable in my own skin. No longer did I need to "fit in". No longer did I want to be part of the cool crowd, I was content with the circle I had. When I was younger I was constantly on the move. In 4th and 6th grades I attended 3 separate schools, that’s a total of 7 schools in three years.....and it was hard. Always being the new kid, always sticking out....always searching for new friends....always feeling like I was missing out on something. Simply put, I was different - I was smarter than most and fatter and taller than everybody. There was always something that tugged at me. In high school I did my own thing, and that’s all that mattered. I excelled in the academic, and I loved it. I was done hiding, done pretending and for the first time I began to learn to love myself.

And I learned an important lesson, if I loved myself, then others loved me, and you know what, that’s my secret. That’s how I get through those dark days...how I smile and laugh and go on with things. If I can't live my life for myself and be happy with that....then why bother? Life is a gift I choose not to waste. I learned that when I loved myself....my friends loved me, I learned you give what you get, and that the golden rule really is golden.

Its funny how when I was 16 I thought I knew everything....and how nearly ten years later I realize that I know a lot, but there's a whole lot out there that I don't understand.

I don't understand how people can be so purposefully vindictive and malicious.
I don't comprehend how people can not stand up for themselves...how they refuse to take life by the reins and charge ahead.
I don't get how people put others down to make themselves feel better...
I don't understand how I can be such a giving person, and other people are all about taking....
I don't get users...or how people let themselves be used.....

And you know what...I don't get how people can't take ownership for their problems and drama.
I won't be anybody’s scapegoat...I refuse.

I know this entry makes little sense, but I have a lot on my mind and I needed an outlet of sorts. I want to climb to the tallest mountain for just a minute I want to raise my arms in the air and scream. I want every negative person or influence in my life to magically fade away....for just a moment I want my mind to cease and for my heart to rest. I don't want to care about losers the way I do....I really don't....but you know, that’s just it, that’s just who I am, and while I may have a problem caring too much, that’s who I am....and I really do love myself, and in the end, that’s the most important thing.

I had one of those weekends that feels like it just went on and on...but at the same time, kinda like it all happened in a flash.

Faire opened this weekend....and that was interesting to say the least. Saturday goes down in history as one of the most worst days I've ever endured. I woke up at 5:30 and packed up all my stuff and left my apt just before 6:30. Then my boss calls me and asks me to picks up some cigarettes for her husband...and me being the nice person I am, I did it....and the rest of the day was just one unfortunate event after another.

SHIT List:

1. No power in the store until about 4:30. Every purchase had to be written up and calculated by hand with the worldest smallest calculater (I'd bet money the calculater was purchased at a 99 cent store...)
2. It was hot as fuck, and the tent they decided to use a store traps heat like no other, it was like a sauna all day. I was like a melting fat girl
3. I left my apt at 6:15 in the morning....and walked in the front door at about 10 till 9 at night. I've never been so frazzled or drained in my life.
4. There is no "back area" to my booth...so no where to actually take a break and chill.
5. The store is right on the lake (which should be cool, but its not). Every child that walks in the store is like, "LOOK WATER!!!" and then they are off and running. I'm already short staffed, but now I have to have one person on lake duty at all times.
6. My supervisor had a breakdown about 10 minutes before faire was to open and started crying.
7. I drank a WHOLE GALLON of water and I only peed once!! Can way say heat exhaustion? I thought I was going to pass out, I got all dizzy, and felt shakey....so I was like, I need to go sit down for awhile... yeah that was fun.
8. I forgot my cup at home, so I went next door to the Ale Stand and explained that I was the manager over at Renco, and politely asked if I could have an EMPTY cup...and he told me no. Yeah, that bastard is on my shit list...First of all, it was a goddamn cup, second of all that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. I was like, "I AM THE MANAGER NEXT DOOR!!!!" So he handed me a 4 ounce cup...I told him I'd think of him when I'm doing shots of water. Yeah, that asshole is in for it!
9. The new girl is scared of her own shadow.I could go on and on, it was that bad.

After walking a mile out to my car I sat down and just cried. Why am I doing this again??? Oh yeah...because I used to enjoy it and I wanted the extra money....I hurt so bad when I woke up Sunday morning, it was like my body was going to break in half. I was sore in places I didn't even know existed! I went in when I felt like it, to hell with that 7am shit! First thing in the morning I talked to my boss, and was like, I'm quitting. She begged, we discussed and I laid out my conditions. I know all the problems and shit I dealt with on Saturday were not her fault, and me quitting has nothing personally to do with her, and she understood that. I just can't handle being beaten on all sides. A) the money isn't that great and B) if I'm not enjoying myself then its a total waste of my time. She asked me what it would take for me to stay and I laid it all out for her. She agreed with me on everything...and pleaded with me to stay. I told her I'd come back next weekend, but if its shitty again I'm walking. On the brighter side, Sunday was a much better day.

I guess the thing that got to me the most was that physically, emotionally and mentally I was at my breaking point on Saturday. I'm a clearheaded strong individual...but Saturday pushed me to my limits in more than one way. It was like one shitty thing after another. My body and my health are too important to be toyed with. At the end of the day my brain and body were just beat. I had one beer on Saturday night and I thought I was going to die. My body was like, "You bitch...first you take me to hell and put me in a bodice and not you want me to digest this shitty beer you're drinking"

More rantings to come later....I left work early because I feel like shit (head, throat, nose and I have a fever) and its time for me to take some meds and say hasta la pasta to the world for awhile.

Silver Linings

Sometimes I feel like I’ve made so much progress, and then other days I feel like a defenseless helpless child. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me…but then I have days where I feel like there are monsters lurking…where it feels like one thing can just set me off – where the depression makes an appearance and I can’t seem to fight it off. Where sitting alone and doing nothing actually sounds appealing. I’m not sure what to do on those days. Do I continue to smile and nod and act like everything is ok? Or do I give in and become a recluse and hide away?

Is there something wrong with me…or is everyone like this, and I just happen to be more open with my feelings…I often wonder.

I know there is no value in pretending. Façades will fade and expire, and it feels like Depression is always at the window ready and willing to play peek-a-boo.

“Peek-a-boo….I don’t wanna see you today!”

Random Babblings

It’s a brand new week…and as usual I have a bunch to do, only this time around my to do list seems never-ending. There’s laundry, cleaning, taxes, sorority stuff, finishing thank you cards and a bunch of other little things on my mind. Plus, my work to do list seems just as insurmountable right now. It was strange though, I woke up this morning before my alarm went off ready and willing to start the day. There’s something about fresh weather and spring that gets in my system. Now is the time for new beginnings, for taking each day as a gift and running with it. Life is too short to be consumed by hurt, pain or anger. So you get up, and you keep truckin’. I decided what I want out of life…and even more importantly I know what kind of person I am, and what kind of person I want to be. Pity parties are lame and pettiness and being selfish are overrated. Before I went to work I sat down and wrote Amber a letter. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. My mom asked me if I was angry at her…and that’s not the emotion consuming me. I feel hurt and disappointed. I never thought she of all people would treat me as she has. I’m curious to see if she responds – curious to see if she even cares.Yesterday was beautiful! I woke up with the worst hangover, in fact I felt like I was still intoxicated. I jumped in the shower hoping that would make me feel better…and it didn’t, not really. At least I was clean though. Scott and I went to our favorite breakfast restaurant and had a yummy meal. Then we came home and I put my pjs on and went back to bed. Rarely do I take a day just for myself where the only thing on the agenda is self pleasure. I napped, I got naked, I snacked, I watched tv, I played online…it was scandalous doing nothing! I can’t do that too often, but every now and again its like my inner being, my brain, my soul, whatever it is – just needs a break. Today I start the marathon work stretch. Faire starts this Saturday and runs until May 22nd, meaning I won’t have a day off until May 28th! Oh yay….This is my eighth year working faire, and every time around I think I must be crazy. There’s just something about it all that keeps me coming back. I love the feel of it all, plus the money doesn’t hurt. The extra mula will definitely come in handy in the next couple of months. Well, I’ve mindlessly babbled enough…I’m thinking its time to start my day!

I paid attention today

I paid attention this morning...and you know, paying attention makes you remember, it pushes you down memory lane, encourages you to examine, appreciate and evaluate.

As I was walking to my car this morning I spelled dew, or grass or something and instantaneously I was six years old again walking to school. I was saying hi to my favorite crossing guard, kicking rocks and humming to myself a song from "The Sound of Music." I was energetic, enthusiastic and excited to be going to school. Then I spelled shit and I was grounded in reality again. Instead of being an idealistic six year old I was back to being 24 going on 40. Automatically my mind drifted back to thinking about working, mentally building a check list in my mind, thinking about what I needed to get done today. I was focused, tired and reluctant all at once.

I never thought I'd work in insurance. I never thought I'd be surrounded by plastic people in Newport and I never thought I'd regularly go to a fat club. My life is bizarre, wonderful and very ironic. Eight years ago I had the best laid plans. I was going to major in Government and English Literature, I was going to excel at everything academic, graduate, go to one of the best law schools....in my mind it was one stepping stone after another. The end goal, to be a political success.

But then I grew up, I set down the rose colored glasses and I didn't pick them back up. I emerged from my naive cocoon and everything was brighter, grittier and in my face. I began thinking outside of the box, and I began questioning who I was and were I was going. I'm still asking, still searching and continually moving. I'm no longer concerned with moving forward. Hell, I'm content with going in all sorts of directions, as long as I'm learning, as long I'm experiencing, as long as I'm doing what makes me happy.

Its moments of weirdness like this that make me go hmm. I paid attention this morning and was thrown for a loop. I rarely think about my past, but lately it seems to be the only thing on my mind. I paid attention this morning, I'm wondering if I should do that more often...

Me

Yesterday was an all together interesting day. Scott and I slept in and recovered from being winged ones the night before. When we finally woke up we decided to drive out to Corona to have lunch with mis padres, that was interesting. I love my mom, she's one of my best friends, but in all honesty every time I see her lately I just want to cry. I want to yell and shake her and seriously just ask her what the fuck is going on! Once again her and Angel are homeless, and once again it looks like they aren't finding an apt anytime soon. I try and act like everything is ok, and for the most part I think I actually succeed, but yesterday was just another reality check. She knows when she wants help I'll be here, and truly thats all I can do. Its weird though, I'm the child in the relationship, but its been a good 5 years since I actually felt like the kid. Oh well...its no shocker that my life isn't all roses and peaches.

After getting back from meeting my parents Scott and I went to Hollywood with Jeff and Laura. Overall we had a good time just wandering the streets and people watching. I like the vibe of the place...and I love the dichotomy between the brutal filthy reality of the place combined with the fantasy facade. I definitely want to venture out more.

I feel as though I lost all energy for work last Friday. I woke up this morning feeling kinda blah, and the blahness hadn't dissipated. I feel as though I'm sleepwalking through my life today...

Pieces - Part I

Wiski really is my name...and no, my parents weren't drinkers (most people either ask that right when I tell them my name, or if they don't ask it, a lot of people think it.) Anyways, my father wanted to name me Brandy after that song, "Brandy, you're a fine girl....make a good wife" (I'm sure you know what song I'm talking about). My mother on the other hand wasn't a huge fan of the name, she liked the name Linnette. Well....then she had me, and it wasn't a pleasant labor (I don't have children yet....but I don't recall any woman I know saying their labor was pain free...sorry, I digress). So there my mother was, just done delivering me via c-section, the dr. messed up and numbed her from the neck down (can we say opps) and she was all doped up on who knows what...My dad was holding me and was like, "Aww...look at how adorable our Brandy is." Now my mother has always been one for sarcastic dry humor, and in all of her sarcastic glory she looked at him and said, "No daughter of mine will be named Brandy...if we name her anything we might as well name her Whiskey." He really liked it and my mom thought it was different, unique and cute. They changed the spelling and viola; I was christened Wiski-Linnette Lee. So, I don't really have a middle name...just a really long first name.

I went by Wiski until I was about 2 and a half. My mother's side of the family is quite Christian, quite conventional and quite conservative, they never called me Wiski, it was Sissy. When I was 2 and a half my parents separated and my father kidnapped me. That’s my first memory. I don't feel dramatized by it, its something that’s always been a part of who I am. When my father drove off with me my mother broke her foot running down our front lawn (the yard sloped down). She went to the hospital and was told she needed surgery on her foot and she looked at the doctor and told him she had to go after her daughter. The doctor had the nurses and attendants leave the room, told her he wasn't doing this and then slit the cast open and had her leave the hospital through a rear entrance. My mom with the help of my uncle and grandfather drove to Arizona and went to the police there. She had all the correct paperwork completed in California. The Arizona police had the audacity to tell her that they would recognize California law, but that they wouldn't enforce it. My mom pretty much told them to F off and that she was going to get me, and that’s just what she did.

After the kidnapping and divorce (my mom got sole custody) she asked me what name I wanted to go by and I answered “Linny mommy.” My older brother called me Linny and I liked it. I started elementary school as Linnette...and that was who I was. I knew my name was Wiski, it was a conversation piece, but I never felt that was who I was. In high school I knew I wanted to go to college, and I wanted all my pieces of self to match. My school records had one name, my health insurance, birth certificate and everything else said Wiski. My mother and I discussed changing my name to Linnette...but I just couldn't do it.

I've never had a relationship with my father. I have two memories of him, the kidnapping and I vaguely remember seeing him when I was 5. I didn't grow up a wounded child, I didn't cry over the fact that I didn't have a dad, and looking back now, that surprizes me. But at the time it was just something I didn't have. When it came to changing my name and dropping the Wiski I just couldn't do it. It was a part of me, a part of where I came from and I couldn't just throw it away.

So often people hide "parts" of their self. They're either too scared to share, or intimidated that they are going to be judged. Nobody is perfect, but pieces of perfection can be reached through acceptance.

I made the decision at 16 to change my school records to Wiski-Linnette Lee. I went to college on a full scholarship and when I moved into the dorms the RA's put nametags on all the rooms. Mine said Wiski and the story kind of ends there. It was then that I made the decision to go by Wiski.

Going to college was a new start for me, for the first time I was living my life for me, not for anybody else, and as cheesy as it sounds I was ready to be Wiski. I was ready to accept the past, accept my roots, and at the same time I was ready to be independent. I'm a firm believer that there is power in reclamation.

My extended family still calls me Linnette. My mother goes back and forth. I go by Linnette at work for simplicity, but everybody knows my name is Wiski. To my dear friends and the rest of the world I'm Wiski. Its fun, its unique, and like me it has a story.

I feel loved

Sometimes I take a minute and think back about the last year and I'm truly amazed at how my life has changed, yet at the same time its really stayed the same. I'm almost 25 and for the first time I feel old, not old in a bad way, but just older, wiser - more grown up. A year ago this month I took a huge leap of faith and took a new job 70 miles from home. To some thats not that big of a deal, for me, that was quite a jump. When I was in high school I had dreams of going far far away to college, and then I fell in love with a school that was 8 miles from home. I lived on campus and I was "away", however all the streets and people were similar. After college I moved home to save money, then later when I did move out it was only to Yucaipa, then later when I moved again it was only to San Bernardino. For 23 years I've lived in the same 20 mile radious....then all of a sudden there I was moving 70 miles away.I had a new job and a new boyfriend, but not much more. For the first time I couldn't see my friends everyday. There was no more lengthy nights at The Jet, no more drawn out conversations at Jazz and Java, everything was just so different. The traffic on the 405 still gets to me, I don't think I'm ever going to get over that. Its nice knowing my way around though...for the longest time I'd get lost almost every day. Scott call me on the way home and ask, "What's taking you so long?" I'd feel SO stupid admitting that once again I got lost. Looking back I'd like to think I've adjusted well. I took a gamble in switching up my life, and I'd like to think its all worked out. I have a fiance who completes me in every way, a job thats for the most part rewarding and I've met good people I can honestly call friends. Scott's without a doubt been great, I have no complaints there. I'm finally at that place where I don't long for Sara, Schanelle and Shannon like I used to. I definitely miss them, but I don't sit at home thinking about what I used to. I'm finally focused on what I do now. I definitely have my moments where I feel as though I'm torn in two. I can't be in Redlands and Orange County at the same time. I've dealt with the demands, the "You like your new friends more" and all that shit...and it hasn't gotten me down. Everybody has their growing pains, thats never an issue. The real strength and growth is found in how you deal with it all. I'd like to think I've come out all the wiser. Every since I was little I'd have moments where all I wanted to do was sit and think. My mom would ask me what I was doing and I'd look at her and honestly answer, "I'm pondering my existence." I'm not sure if that's a sign of genuis or insanity! I like to think, wait let me take that back, I love to think, its just a part of who I am;)Today Scott did the sweetest thing, he sent me an email listing all these reasons why he loves me. I did something similar for him for Valentines Day and I remember seeing how happy and excited it made him to read 101 reasons why I love him. If the world could've seen my face when I read his email they would've seen one happy fat girl full of joy!What he wrote:
~we laugh at the same jokes ~you're an absolutely trust-worthy woman~you aren't afraid to ask me what I like in bed and you aren't afraid to tell me what you like~of all the women in the world, I picked you to be my wife and promised to be faithful to you for the long haul~You fell in love with me~You saw past all my faults, and you're marrying me anyway~You allow me the honor of making love to you~You're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen~You're the the world's greatest tease~You want to build a family with me~You are honest and you don't lie to me or to other people (sometimes to a fault, but I am the same way)~You are real and you don't try to be someone you are not. (Like me) You are never fake.~You respect me and support me. You don't think you are more superior to me, but rather an equal partner in our relationship~If I really want something and I ask you, usually you'll agree to it unless you have a good reason not to~You trust me~You are smart and dedicated to your job~You are a good friend (faithful and supportive of me and your other friends)~You can be funny and we share a similar sense of humor~You love me for who I am, and you do not expect me to change (you'll love me anyway if I don't change)~You will be a good mother to our children~You are kind and compassionate~You have a good heart~My happiness is important to you~You support me where and when I need it most~You want to please me, in and out of the bedroom~You are incredibly sexy~You believe in me~of the way you say I love you to me in the morning before I go off to work or any other time I leave the apartment~of the way you kiss me~you hug me any time I want one~You don't try to understand me, you just love me~You think I'm better than what I am~You are confident, capable and devoted~you're a dork~you have the most beautiful hair in the world, and you wear it long because I like it~you can finish my sentences~you support me in everything I do...even if it seems ridiculous to you~I can look into your beautiful eyes and all of my troubles, fears, disappointments, and frustrations dissolve without a trace~You make me a complete person and filled up a hole in my life I didn't even realize was there till we met~I can spend all day just looking at you~you look at me as if no other man exists, like you hold my heart and soul and I think you do because I know I hold yours~I love you

Days Off

I have today off, and to be honest, I'm not quite sure what to do with my time. I'm not used to having free time. There was a time when I could look at a calendar and see nothing but parties, social obligations, appointments, I lived my life out of my calendar, and now its like I have NOTHING to do, what do I do?

Somewhere down the line I became socially dependent. Laugh if you want to, but its true. I'd much rather be at a coffee shop shooting the shit with friends or at a bar playing darts then sitting at home on my ass.

I guess what they say is true...sometimes the grass feels greener on the other side. I hate being in a fun, I really do.

"Customer Retention is Everybody's Business"

Thats the catch phrase today and my work wants to make sure everybody knows this.

I get into the office and I see a flyers posted on cubicle walls all over the office....and I'm like okay....

Then I have to go tinkles and its posted in the bathroom next to the mirror. The final straw though was when I pulled down my pants and there's another one right in my face! I can't handle it! I feel like its the start of Brave New World or something.

Is corporate brainwashing illegal??

My mom and dad got divorced when I was three. I have like two memories of him, when he kidnapped me when I was 2 and a half and then again when I saw him for the last time, I was five. I remember he remarried when I was like 6 or 7 and he called my mom and wanted her to put me on a plane by myself to Arizona so I could be in his wedding. My mom pretty much laughed at him. She never bad mouthed him, she didn't need to, his absence spoke for itself.

When I was 13 he called my mom's old work, my aunt Sheri still works there, and talked to her. She was like its been over 8 years since you walked out, why are you calling now. His only answer was that he wanted to know how I was doing. My aunt told him that I was a good kid, excelled at school and that I was happy. He didn't stay he wanted to see me, or talk to me or anything...that was it.

To be honest I've never really had a desire to talk to him...but the older I get the more and more I wonder. Why didn't he care? How could somebody have a child and then just walk away so easily. I'm getting older, Scott and I are talking about starting a family someday and I find myself having more and more questions. My mom thought she ran into him at an Indian Casino last December, they both did like quadruple takes, but neither said anything to each other....After that happened she called me to tell me, and I was like, "Is that it?" I find that phrase somes up my feelings a lot, "Is that it?"

I have so few memories of him, but I have so many without him. When I was a kid we would make Father's Days cards in class and I never knew what to do with it. I had a great grandfather and some cool uncles, but looking back now I know its not the same. Sometimes I think I was lucky that I didn't have a father, in so many ways when I was a kid I didn't know what I was missing, I didn't feel the void then like I do now. I see my friends who have wonderful relationships with their dad's and I'm like...wow, it can be like that?

My childhood can be summed up in the same manner. I never did without....but I never asked for much and I did everything I could to not call attention to myself or make things difficult for my mom. I threw myself into school and lived in books. I wasn't a nerd, I had plenty of friends and was popular in my own right. Academics were my escape. I did Speech and Debate and was gone most weekends at Debate tournaments. When I got to college I totally rebelled. I was sick of living up to expectations. I thought they were imposed by my family, its only now that I realize that they were self imposed. I thought I had to be a certain way...I had to excel and be the best....and now I'm somewhere in the middle. I feel like I could do more careerwise....but then at the same time I'm like, I'm ok with where I am right now....

Most people always think of me as a fat happy girl, and for the most part I am. I talk a lot, I can laugh my ass off and at the end of most days I fall asleep a happy camper...but then like everybody else I have those days where I don't want to do anything. Where I'm just in a total funk and I close up and shut the outside world out. I've always considered myself a talker, but the older I get the more I realize that I DON'T talk about things...there are certain things I just keep in because I don't think anybody would care, or because quite frankly its painful to bring up...its hard venturing down memorly lane sometimes. Sometimes its just easier to keep it all in...and then BAM it all overflows and I can't handle it anymore. That seems to be my biggest issue lately. I hide it well though, don't I? LOL, At least I can laugh at myself, because in the end, if you can't do that, you're much screwed, right?