Lonely

Scott shared this song with me...and I couldn't help but think about my Aunt Sheri.


"Lonely Day"
Such a lonely day
And its mine
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day
And its mine
The most loneliest day of my life
And if you go, I wanna go with you
And if you die, I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Life
Such a lonely day
And its mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived

Sadly so true

"The poverty of our century is unlike that of any other. It is not, as
poverty was before, the result of natural scarcity, but of a set of
priorities imposed upon the rest of the world by the rich. Consequently,
the modern poor are not pitied - but written off as trash. The
twentieth-century consumer economy has produced the first culture for
which a beggar is a reminder of nothing." - John Berger (1926~) English
Painter, Teacher, Art Critic

SPRING!

Today is the first day of spring!

I feel alive...like the world is new again, as if I can finally shed some of that baggage I've been carrying around.

I'm ready to just be and breathe,
I'm willing to let go,
be me and get rid of the crap that has a tendency to pull me down.

The new year has settled in nicely for the most part,
and now its just a matter of doing some spring cleaning,
getting things in order and just going for it!

I have no reason to hold myself back...and I'm done with excuses!

Look out universe, I'm getting rid of the shit in my life!

Being Slapped...

So, this is going to be one of the strangest blogs I've ever written, then again, most of my blogs are strange!

I know something I'm not supposed to...and I'm so hurt that somebody could plan what they're planning! I can't really talk to anybody about this, but yeah, I'm frustrated right now! Why is it that I give and I give and rarely do people treat me with the same compassion? Doesn't anybody BUT me practice the golden rule? Sometimes I feel like I should just retreat into myself....is there a lesson to be learned here?

Buttprints in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of the Goddess they were,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
and I asked Her, "What have we here?
These prints are large and round and neat,
But much too big to be from feet."
"My child," She said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You would not learn, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take astand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

Author unknown

me - raw

I’m not perfect.

Last night I had another one of those moments where it’s like a light bulb goes off, but its not like I’m realizing something new…its just more of a reminder of how disjointed I can be at times. Not sure if disjointed is the word I wanted there, but yeah, with the flow of my thoughts. The duality of me…the fact that I feel at times that my life is a mere ironic oxymoron.

I feel as though I deal with things that are hard, but yet, I never want to single myself out, I never want to be different from other people, but then at the same time I want people to know where I’m coming from, I want them to know what its like to be me, its not easy. Then I think about it and its like, what the fuck, there are so many people out there who have real problems. But aren’t my problems real problems, aren’t they validated?

I struggle with being nice, socially conscious and wallowing in self pity, which is funny, because I despise pathetic people who wrap themselves up in their own problems, but yet, a good sense of self appreciation and navel gazing does a body good.

Sometimes I think I’m crazy, like I’m the only one in the world who thinks the things I do, but then, I know I’m not, I’m one dot of humanity on the sphere that is the whole, a single sprinkle of dust.

I was angry last night, and hurt…but that wasn’t want got to me, nope, it was the complete feeling of helplessness. I desperately need to fill in control of my life, I need to know that I’m driving this car….and when faced with limitations, or feeling as though I’m a caged bird stuck between a rock and a hard place I just want to shout, scream…runaway, but I can’t do that. I care too much.

So there I was last night in the car with Scott, Carla and Schanelle on the way to karaoke and I had this epiphany of sorts….when I die, I’m not sure if I want a headstone, a green burial sounds appealing, but so does the thought of spreading my ashes to the universe, when all is said and done, I want my epitaph to be, “She loved despite faults”.

Friendship

I'm truly blessed with wonderful friends! So often I find myself in that rutt of humanity, and instead of focusing on what I don't have, I lose sight of what I do have! Its always the lil things that catch my eye, the nuances of life that deeply matter.

Yep, thats it...my profound thought for the day has now passed.

Believe

Believe not because some old manuscripts are produced.

Believe not because it is your national belief,

Believe not because you have been made to believe from your childhood.

But reason truth out, and after you have analyzed it

Then if you find it will do good to one and all,

Believe it, live up to it and help others to live up to it.

"Buddha"

Being a Pain in the ASS

I am irritable, there is no other way to say it, so I’m just going to spit it out. Lately everything and I mean everything has gotten on my nerves! People, situations, anything and everything has ticked me off. I can’t put a finger on it, but that’s the way it is….

My husband, who I lovingly adore, he’s irritating me over the smallest things in the world, ordinary things that would never bug me. His phone kept beeping last night and it was like somebody had their nails on a chalkboard.

A friend of mine, I totally love her as a sister, and she too is on my nerves! It’s nothing big, and if I was to say it aloud I’d laugh at myself, and yet the littlest things bug me lately.

My mother…you guessed it; she’s on my nerves too! She’s not doing anything she’s never done before, and yet she bugs! She talks and talks and talks…and she’s always TALKED and the last few days I just don’t want to listen, to her, to anybody.

Nothing that’s irritated me is a big thing at all, and I’ve never felt this way before. Its like I’m becoming OCD over the stupidest, smallest, trivial things in my life. Disturbances that I never noticed before are like right there ticking me off!

True Fire

"The day will come when, after harnessing the winds, the tides and
gravitation, we shall harness for God the energies of Love. And on that
day, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have
discovered fire." - Pierre Teilhard De Chardin (1881-1955) French
Philosopher, Paleontologist

Daydreaming

I want to be six years old again lying in the grass near my swing set staring at the clouds above me. I want to be mesmerized by their shape…I want to daydream about what it all means…cumulus, stratus and cirrus…In my mind I’m standing with my legs slightly apart, my hands on my hips and my tummy is sticking out. I’ve mastered the care bear stare! I want to roll in the clouds, travel with Mary Poppins and see the world from on high. I want to be a kid again without a care in the world.

All that Glitter

Work became my therapy today…I’m not sure how that happened, but it did, and strangely enough I’m ok with that. I woke up and I didn’t feel moody, but quickly from there it was like the grumpy mood over took me. It’s that girly time of the month for me and I’ve really been feeling like one big mood swing lately. When I’m up, I'm UP, when I’m down, I’m short, rude and a total bitch. Aww…to be the woman I am!

Scott and I went to Vegas last weekend and had a fabulous time! We didn’t do anything extravagant, but it was a break away from the world that I think we both needed. I got us a room near the airport and it was our “Ghetto Palace” complete with icky carpets and an industrial view of sorts. We stood on the front porch and watched the sunset and in that moment it didn’t matter that the room smelled like old cigarettes, all that mattered was that there we were, together in the moment, by ourselves.

We hung out with Chari on Saturday night and partied like rockstars! Or at least we tried to party like rockstars. Scott won $130 on penny slots, he called me Cleo and we met a dude with a fake British accent….all in all it was a typical night in Vegas. The taxi driver was convinced Chari was my girlfriend, we ate like KINGS for $20 and we drank like we knew everything and didn’t have a care in the world.

Sunday morningish Scott and I drove to the Little Church of the West and took a few pictures outside. It’s almost been a year…and as we pulled up I was overwhelmed by remembering the lil things; like a stupid joke my brother told me as Scott and I arrived for our wedding, or the steps where we took some pictures and I almost tripped over nothing. The mundane meeting magical. Scott took my hands, kissed my ring finger and said all over again, “I love you forever, forever I do.”

When Death Comes - Mary Oliver

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measles-pox;

when death comesl
ike an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

Mary Oliver

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rainare moving across the landscapes,over the prairies and deep trees,the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

MARY OLIVER
Dream Work

My Friend Joan

Grammar is a piano I play by ear. All I know about grammar is its power. Joan Didion

I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear. Joan Didion

Was there ever in anyone's life span a point free in time, devoid of memory, a night when choice was any more than the sum of all the choices gone before? Joan Didion

Self-respect is a question of recognizing that anything worth having has a price. Joan Didion

The writer is always tricking the reader into listening to their dream. Joan Didion

Now I lay me down to sleep...

As a child I used to say "Now I lay me down to sleep....." and it was routine for me. I did it because I thought thats what all good lil boys and girls said before they went to sleep. As I journaled last night I realized I didn't recite that prayer seeking divine guidance or protection, but simply because my grandma taught it to me and it was something special she and I shared. When I'm lonely or depressed I still recite the same prayer, and the calming effect is always the same, and always there.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
Guard me while I sleep tonight,
And wake me safe at dawn's first light.

One More Month

In a month I will no longer be a newlywed. I’m not sure how I feel about that. My love for my husband is still new and fresh, there are still things I’m learning about him and to be quite honest I’m shocked its been almost a year already!

Last year at this time I was eagerly counting the days until my wedding day. I was excited that so many of my friends were going to Vegas to see us get married and for the first time in my life I felt completely loved. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always felt loved by my friends and family, but getting married offered a new prospective in my life. People were genuinely happy for me and I felt it.

As I walked down the aisle in our small chapel I laughed and cried and it was like everything I ever craved was right there. I had a man to share my life with, to tackle the heartaches with and to celebrate every joy with. I’m a firm believer that there are moments of complete lucidity, this was one of those moments. The world shined around me, and in that moment I felt like the biggest star