Days Off

I have today off, and to be honest, I'm not quite sure what to do with my time. I'm not used to having free time. There was a time when I could look at a calendar and see nothing but parties, social obligations, appointments, I lived my life out of my calendar, and now its like I have NOTHING to do, what do I do?

Somewhere down the line I became socially dependent. Laugh if you want to, but its true. I'd much rather be at a coffee shop shooting the shit with friends or at a bar playing darts then sitting at home on my ass.

I guess what they say is true...sometimes the grass feels greener on the other side. I hate being in a fun, I really do.

"Customer Retention is Everybody's Business"

Thats the catch phrase today and my work wants to make sure everybody knows this.

I get into the office and I see a flyers posted on cubicle walls all over the office....and I'm like okay....

Then I have to go tinkles and its posted in the bathroom next to the mirror. The final straw though was when I pulled down my pants and there's another one right in my face! I can't handle it! I feel like its the start of Brave New World or something.

Is corporate brainwashing illegal??

My mom and dad got divorced when I was three. I have like two memories of him, when he kidnapped me when I was 2 and a half and then again when I saw him for the last time, I was five. I remember he remarried when I was like 6 or 7 and he called my mom and wanted her to put me on a plane by myself to Arizona so I could be in his wedding. My mom pretty much laughed at him. She never bad mouthed him, she didn't need to, his absence spoke for itself.

When I was 13 he called my mom's old work, my aunt Sheri still works there, and talked to her. She was like its been over 8 years since you walked out, why are you calling now. His only answer was that he wanted to know how I was doing. My aunt told him that I was a good kid, excelled at school and that I was happy. He didn't stay he wanted to see me, or talk to me or anything...that was it.

To be honest I've never really had a desire to talk to him...but the older I get the more and more I wonder. Why didn't he care? How could somebody have a child and then just walk away so easily. I'm getting older, Scott and I are talking about starting a family someday and I find myself having more and more questions. My mom thought she ran into him at an Indian Casino last December, they both did like quadruple takes, but neither said anything to each other....After that happened she called me to tell me, and I was like, "Is that it?" I find that phrase somes up my feelings a lot, "Is that it?"

I have so few memories of him, but I have so many without him. When I was a kid we would make Father's Days cards in class and I never knew what to do with it. I had a great grandfather and some cool uncles, but looking back now I know its not the same. Sometimes I think I was lucky that I didn't have a father, in so many ways when I was a kid I didn't know what I was missing, I didn't feel the void then like I do now. I see my friends who have wonderful relationships with their dad's and I'm like...wow, it can be like that?

My childhood can be summed up in the same manner. I never did without....but I never asked for much and I did everything I could to not call attention to myself or make things difficult for my mom. I threw myself into school and lived in books. I wasn't a nerd, I had plenty of friends and was popular in my own right. Academics were my escape. I did Speech and Debate and was gone most weekends at Debate tournaments. When I got to college I totally rebelled. I was sick of living up to expectations. I thought they were imposed by my family, its only now that I realize that they were self imposed. I thought I had to be a certain way...I had to excel and be the best....and now I'm somewhere in the middle. I feel like I could do more careerwise....but then at the same time I'm like, I'm ok with where I am right now....

Most people always think of me as a fat happy girl, and for the most part I am. I talk a lot, I can laugh my ass off and at the end of most days I fall asleep a happy camper...but then like everybody else I have those days where I don't want to do anything. Where I'm just in a total funk and I close up and shut the outside world out. I've always considered myself a talker, but the older I get the more I realize that I DON'T talk about things...there are certain things I just keep in because I don't think anybody would care, or because quite frankly its painful to bring up...its hard venturing down memorly lane sometimes. Sometimes its just easier to keep it all in...and then BAM it all overflows and I can't handle it anymore. That seems to be my biggest issue lately. I hide it well though, don't I? LOL, At least I can laugh at myself, because in the end, if you can't do that, you're much screwed, right?