Thanksgiving Eve

Myriad of unanswered questions, thats the story of my life...I'm always thinking, always questioning and at the the end of the day there never seems to be any plausible answers. Sometimes I wonder I if I should just become a nihilist, not like that would solve anything though...

My mom took Scott, Carla, Schanelle and I to dinner last night. It was an appreciated change of pace. Angel won again...Just when you think things are going to change, they don't...Its two steps forward, one and half paces back...and so goes the game over and over again.

I'm baking tonight! I plan on trying my hand at two of my grandma's recipes...and that makes me happy! In the last few years I've definitely grown closer to the old lady, and every day I look forward to our phone conversations. I share my day and then I listen. I've always been told how important listening is...but I'll be honest, it wasn't until I began to truly listen to my grandma babble did I internalize the significance. She's old, she's lonely...and sometimes I know my phone calls make her day, give her something to look forward too....and I find myself feeling the same way. I look forward telling her how Scott and I are doing, or telling her about some new recipe or dinner I tried. I love sharing stories about Scott and I and then in turn hearing funny memories of her and my grandpa. I cherish the fact that she's there for me, and even more I cherish the fact that I'm able to be there for her.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for so many things in my life. My health, my family and friends are all at the top of the list. I look back on the last year and together Scott and I've made so many improvements in our life. I've never been a fan of Thanksgiving, in face many of the darkest days of my youth connected to holidays...and its a hard thing to wipe away the stain of years past. Its hard to take ownership and say, "This is mine, this is going to be a great day!" Its hard, but I'm doing it...holidays are a time to rejoice, celebrate and be thankful, and I'm making the first steps.

I had lunch with a "friend" today...and it amazes me how some women define their total existence on men. It seriously boggles my mind...this "friend" used to hate Taco Bell, she would go so far as refuse to go there during lunch, and now strangely, she eats there. She met me and Schanelle downstairs at lunch (we had gone to the deli) and she walked up with Taco Bell. I made a comment about her liking Taco Bell, and here's the kicker, she tells me she likes it now because her boyfriend likes it! Hello!?!? Do I eat onions because Scott likes them? Yes my life has changed since we've been together, but I'm still me, I still have an identity of mine own....I have friends from before Scott, after Scott and somewhere in between, we've compromised, talked...and yeah, neither one of us has done a 180 for the other....

I have another hour of work left........I think I can make it!

The Summer Prince

A flood of memories, a wave of feeling...a moment of surrender
One voice rattling, laughing...and then whispering
hope was born, nurtured and then tested
a small bud bloomed and then the sun set
left wilted,
left lonely,
left stronger when summer ended
A woman left standing with her arms spread open...

Slowly Getting It

I try to be a good person. I know what is right and wrong. I know how I should treat people…and I know how people should treat me. This is me venting, this is me being frustrated…this is me not understanding.

People come and go, but others stay awhile, they make an impression, they influence your life. I’ve been accused of being too nice for some time now, hell, I think I even wrote a blog about it. This time, enough is enough. I know who I am, and I know that I’m better than that…and I’m tired of being made to feel guilty. Past sins have been repaid…and you know, looking back, I wonder if I’ve lived under a veil of self doubt…

I’ve been accused of being an attention whore, and I think that’s a symptom of something greater. I grave genuine appreciation.

Giving Thanks

I’ve never been a fan of Thanksgiving. I’m not sure why…I don’t really like turkey, and growing up it seemed like a lot of fuss…and I just didn’t get it. I never bought the Indian and Pilgrim thing and overall it just didn’t “fit” together.

I’ve grown up some and I’ve searched for meaning, and I’ve made my life my own, and for the first time I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving. I’m looking forward to being surrounded my friends and family, and I look forward to celebrating the life I’m living and giving thanks for the people who’ve contributed in one way or another.

I’ve made a turkey once before, but this Thursday will be my first Thanksgiving with me as the head chef! Hmm…maybe I should wear a cook’s hat???

Life is rough, there are stumbling blocks, heartaches and pain. There’s memories that leave you sad and speechless, and then there’s the smiles that ground you, that feel like a warm cloak washing away all the cold.

I feel as if there’s been a big picture on the horizon my entire life…and the older I get the clearer the picture becomes…and the more thankful I am for the life I have.

The great affair

The great affair, the love affair with life, is to live as variously as possible, to groom one's curiosity like a high-spirited thoroughbred, climb aboard, and gallop over the thick, sun-struck hills every day. Where there is no risk, the emotional terrain is flat and unyielding, and, despite all its dimensions, valleys, pinnacles, and detours, life will seem to have none of its magnificent geography, only a length.

It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery, but what a savage and beautiful country lies in between.

~ Diane Ackerman ~

Let it all go

I talked last night...in detail, about something I've only hinted about to two people. I held his hand, he asked...and I opened up knowing that I had nothing to lose and so much more to gain.

Everyone has shadows...and there's bones everywhere, remants of the past that have the ability to stick to you like lint, and the true test isn't taking the lint off, in fact, I think thats the easy part...the hard part is looking down at yourself and realizing there is lint on you.

This morning I woke up surrounded in a cacoon of love feeling safe and comforted and even though its taken me this long to say it, I know its ok...and I know the lint is getting pushed aside.

Update of Sorts - No Catchy Title

I haven't written in here for so long! But yet...everyday I think about making a mark. I go to bed, and I think about writing...in fact I have all these wonderful ideas and I just wanna run to the computer...but I stop myself, I do what is right, whats in my best interest, I turn it of and go to bed...I get some rest...because in all honesty thats the one thing I crave the most in my life.

Work is improving...and I'm quite grateful. I'm happy to report that the fucktard is LEAVING and Schanelle has been hired as her replacement! All in all things look bright and promising in that corner. The property world is a completely different arena! The girl I assist and I are beyond busy...and I'm not joking when I say there isn't an end in sight...and so the band marches on! I'm learning lots....and yeah, I'm not terribly passionate about insurance, but for now, its all good. However with that said....I won't be here forever, but I won't be leaving anytime soon either! The people are nice, the environment is pleasant....and I'm planning on going back to school!

I've done so much lately...and I've only captured moments in pictures, and I feel as though words are needed. Not to justify...but to celebrate...and in many ways to move on.

I had my first real adult vacation...and for the first time ever I completely relaxed. I snuggled, huggled, giggled and at the end of the day I laid my head on a pillow and just slept. I didn't worry about bills, work deadlines, changing friendships, family or anything. I endulged my narcissism and was Wiski, with all of her faults and all of her moments. I cried, I even argued, I smashed my toe and got drunk. I saw sisters I haven't seen in years...I danced the like nobody was watching and most importantly I breathed.

I've always been one to think too much...to over analyze...and at times I've been accused of feeling too much. Acceptance is a funny word full of meaning, translation, interrpretation and at the end of the day do any of us truly know what it means? I've always thought I've accepted myself for who I am, and I do...but I've learned that there is so much more to acceptance. It can be an appearance thing, a friend thing, an intellectual thing...and a me thing, and I'm learning that I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not being perfect, I'm ok with owning up to my own mistakes...and I'm ok with saying I don't have all the answers and every day I'm learning that its ok to ask for help, its ok to lean on people you can count on. On the same page though.....I'm also ok with being the confident and intelligent woman I've become!

While I was on vacation my grandma went to the hospital and my mother didn't call me to let me know. When I got back from Tennessee she filled me in. I went through the first emotion of being angry that nobody told me...but then I realized why I didn't get the call. First of all she wasn't in any danger and secondly I worry too damn much. I will never feel guilty for caring too much about anybody....but I do struggle with worrying about things that are out of my control. My grandma is one of the most important people in my life and my bond with her is unlike any other. She's been my cheerleader, a role model and an inspiration in true compassion. When stability was an issue, she and my grandfather were always there...and now its just her, and I'm wise enough to know she won't live forever, yet numb knowing that Time is a fickle fairy.

Halloween was a turning point for me. Celtic's celebrate this as their New Year, a time for both beginnings and a time for endings and the perfect time for me to celebrate! My favorite holiday definitely did not go unnoticed. I was a whore, a witch and a fairy...hmm, I wonder what that says about who I am as a person? LOL! Scott was a pimp, a Mexican and Dorothy! Oh...and I broke bread with Schanelle and Amber (sorry, inside corny joke).

And now the Fall is here, with a Southern California bent to it...and like everything else in my world right now, it feels good. It feels good to be who I am, where I'm going...and who's along for the ride with me!