I paid attention today

I paid attention this morning...and you know, paying attention makes you remember, it pushes you down memory lane, encourages you to examine, appreciate and evaluate.

As I was walking to my car this morning I spelled dew, or grass or something and instantaneously I was six years old again walking to school. I was saying hi to my favorite crossing guard, kicking rocks and humming to myself a song from "The Sound of Music." I was energetic, enthusiastic and excited to be going to school. Then I spelled shit and I was grounded in reality again. Instead of being an idealistic six year old I was back to being 24 going on 40. Automatically my mind drifted back to thinking about working, mentally building a check list in my mind, thinking about what I needed to get done today. I was focused, tired and reluctant all at once.

I never thought I'd work in insurance. I never thought I'd be surrounded by plastic people in Newport and I never thought I'd regularly go to a fat club. My life is bizarre, wonderful and very ironic. Eight years ago I had the best laid plans. I was going to major in Government and English Literature, I was going to excel at everything academic, graduate, go to one of the best law schools....in my mind it was one stepping stone after another. The end goal, to be a political success.

But then I grew up, I set down the rose colored glasses and I didn't pick them back up. I emerged from my naive cocoon and everything was brighter, grittier and in my face. I began thinking outside of the box, and I began questioning who I was and were I was going. I'm still asking, still searching and continually moving. I'm no longer concerned with moving forward. Hell, I'm content with going in all sorts of directions, as long as I'm learning, as long I'm experiencing, as long as I'm doing what makes me happy.

Its moments of weirdness like this that make me go hmm. I paid attention this morning and was thrown for a loop. I rarely think about my past, but lately it seems to be the only thing on my mind. I paid attention this morning, I'm wondering if I should do that more often...

Me

Yesterday was an all together interesting day. Scott and I slept in and recovered from being winged ones the night before. When we finally woke up we decided to drive out to Corona to have lunch with mis padres, that was interesting. I love my mom, she's one of my best friends, but in all honesty every time I see her lately I just want to cry. I want to yell and shake her and seriously just ask her what the fuck is going on! Once again her and Angel are homeless, and once again it looks like they aren't finding an apt anytime soon. I try and act like everything is ok, and for the most part I think I actually succeed, but yesterday was just another reality check. She knows when she wants help I'll be here, and truly thats all I can do. Its weird though, I'm the child in the relationship, but its been a good 5 years since I actually felt like the kid. Oh well...its no shocker that my life isn't all roses and peaches.

After getting back from meeting my parents Scott and I went to Hollywood with Jeff and Laura. Overall we had a good time just wandering the streets and people watching. I like the vibe of the place...and I love the dichotomy between the brutal filthy reality of the place combined with the fantasy facade. I definitely want to venture out more.

I feel as though I lost all energy for work last Friday. I woke up this morning feeling kinda blah, and the blahness hadn't dissipated. I feel as though I'm sleepwalking through my life today...

Pieces - Part I

Wiski really is my name...and no, my parents weren't drinkers (most people either ask that right when I tell them my name, or if they don't ask it, a lot of people think it.) Anyways, my father wanted to name me Brandy after that song, "Brandy, you're a fine girl....make a good wife" (I'm sure you know what song I'm talking about). My mother on the other hand wasn't a huge fan of the name, she liked the name Linnette. Well....then she had me, and it wasn't a pleasant labor (I don't have children yet....but I don't recall any woman I know saying their labor was pain free...sorry, I digress). So there my mother was, just done delivering me via c-section, the dr. messed up and numbed her from the neck down (can we say opps) and she was all doped up on who knows what...My dad was holding me and was like, "Aww...look at how adorable our Brandy is." Now my mother has always been one for sarcastic dry humor, and in all of her sarcastic glory she looked at him and said, "No daughter of mine will be named Brandy...if we name her anything we might as well name her Whiskey." He really liked it and my mom thought it was different, unique and cute. They changed the spelling and viola; I was christened Wiski-Linnette Lee. So, I don't really have a middle name...just a really long first name.

I went by Wiski until I was about 2 and a half. My mother's side of the family is quite Christian, quite conventional and quite conservative, they never called me Wiski, it was Sissy. When I was 2 and a half my parents separated and my father kidnapped me. That’s my first memory. I don't feel dramatized by it, its something that’s always been a part of who I am. When my father drove off with me my mother broke her foot running down our front lawn (the yard sloped down). She went to the hospital and was told she needed surgery on her foot and she looked at the doctor and told him she had to go after her daughter. The doctor had the nurses and attendants leave the room, told her he wasn't doing this and then slit the cast open and had her leave the hospital through a rear entrance. My mom with the help of my uncle and grandfather drove to Arizona and went to the police there. She had all the correct paperwork completed in California. The Arizona police had the audacity to tell her that they would recognize California law, but that they wouldn't enforce it. My mom pretty much told them to F off and that she was going to get me, and that’s just what she did.

After the kidnapping and divorce (my mom got sole custody) she asked me what name I wanted to go by and I answered “Linny mommy.” My older brother called me Linny and I liked it. I started elementary school as Linnette...and that was who I was. I knew my name was Wiski, it was a conversation piece, but I never felt that was who I was. In high school I knew I wanted to go to college, and I wanted all my pieces of self to match. My school records had one name, my health insurance, birth certificate and everything else said Wiski. My mother and I discussed changing my name to Linnette...but I just couldn't do it.

I've never had a relationship with my father. I have two memories of him, the kidnapping and I vaguely remember seeing him when I was 5. I didn't grow up a wounded child, I didn't cry over the fact that I didn't have a dad, and looking back now, that surprizes me. But at the time it was just something I didn't have. When it came to changing my name and dropping the Wiski I just couldn't do it. It was a part of me, a part of where I came from and I couldn't just throw it away.

So often people hide "parts" of their self. They're either too scared to share, or intimidated that they are going to be judged. Nobody is perfect, but pieces of perfection can be reached through acceptance.

I made the decision at 16 to change my school records to Wiski-Linnette Lee. I went to college on a full scholarship and when I moved into the dorms the RA's put nametags on all the rooms. Mine said Wiski and the story kind of ends there. It was then that I made the decision to go by Wiski.

Going to college was a new start for me, for the first time I was living my life for me, not for anybody else, and as cheesy as it sounds I was ready to be Wiski. I was ready to accept the past, accept my roots, and at the same time I was ready to be independent. I'm a firm believer that there is power in reclamation.

My extended family still calls me Linnette. My mother goes back and forth. I go by Linnette at work for simplicity, but everybody knows my name is Wiski. To my dear friends and the rest of the world I'm Wiski. Its fun, its unique, and like me it has a story.

I feel loved

Sometimes I take a minute and think back about the last year and I'm truly amazed at how my life has changed, yet at the same time its really stayed the same. I'm almost 25 and for the first time I feel old, not old in a bad way, but just older, wiser - more grown up. A year ago this month I took a huge leap of faith and took a new job 70 miles from home. To some thats not that big of a deal, for me, that was quite a jump. When I was in high school I had dreams of going far far away to college, and then I fell in love with a school that was 8 miles from home. I lived on campus and I was "away", however all the streets and people were similar. After college I moved home to save money, then later when I did move out it was only to Yucaipa, then later when I moved again it was only to San Bernardino. For 23 years I've lived in the same 20 mile radious....then all of a sudden there I was moving 70 miles away.I had a new job and a new boyfriend, but not much more. For the first time I couldn't see my friends everyday. There was no more lengthy nights at The Jet, no more drawn out conversations at Jazz and Java, everything was just so different. The traffic on the 405 still gets to me, I don't think I'm ever going to get over that. Its nice knowing my way around though...for the longest time I'd get lost almost every day. Scott call me on the way home and ask, "What's taking you so long?" I'd feel SO stupid admitting that once again I got lost. Looking back I'd like to think I've adjusted well. I took a gamble in switching up my life, and I'd like to think its all worked out. I have a fiance who completes me in every way, a job thats for the most part rewarding and I've met good people I can honestly call friends. Scott's without a doubt been great, I have no complaints there. I'm finally at that place where I don't long for Sara, Schanelle and Shannon like I used to. I definitely miss them, but I don't sit at home thinking about what I used to. I'm finally focused on what I do now. I definitely have my moments where I feel as though I'm torn in two. I can't be in Redlands and Orange County at the same time. I've dealt with the demands, the "You like your new friends more" and all that shit...and it hasn't gotten me down. Everybody has their growing pains, thats never an issue. The real strength and growth is found in how you deal with it all. I'd like to think I've come out all the wiser. Every since I was little I'd have moments where all I wanted to do was sit and think. My mom would ask me what I was doing and I'd look at her and honestly answer, "I'm pondering my existence." I'm not sure if that's a sign of genuis or insanity! I like to think, wait let me take that back, I love to think, its just a part of who I am;)Today Scott did the sweetest thing, he sent me an email listing all these reasons why he loves me. I did something similar for him for Valentines Day and I remember seeing how happy and excited it made him to read 101 reasons why I love him. If the world could've seen my face when I read his email they would've seen one happy fat girl full of joy!What he wrote:
~we laugh at the same jokes ~you're an absolutely trust-worthy woman~you aren't afraid to ask me what I like in bed and you aren't afraid to tell me what you like~of all the women in the world, I picked you to be my wife and promised to be faithful to you for the long haul~You fell in love with me~You saw past all my faults, and you're marrying me anyway~You allow me the honor of making love to you~You're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen~You're the the world's greatest tease~You want to build a family with me~You are honest and you don't lie to me or to other people (sometimes to a fault, but I am the same way)~You are real and you don't try to be someone you are not. (Like me) You are never fake.~You respect me and support me. You don't think you are more superior to me, but rather an equal partner in our relationship~If I really want something and I ask you, usually you'll agree to it unless you have a good reason not to~You trust me~You are smart and dedicated to your job~You are a good friend (faithful and supportive of me and your other friends)~You can be funny and we share a similar sense of humor~You love me for who I am, and you do not expect me to change (you'll love me anyway if I don't change)~You will be a good mother to our children~You are kind and compassionate~You have a good heart~My happiness is important to you~You support me where and when I need it most~You want to please me, in and out of the bedroom~You are incredibly sexy~You believe in me~of the way you say I love you to me in the morning before I go off to work or any other time I leave the apartment~of the way you kiss me~you hug me any time I want one~You don't try to understand me, you just love me~You think I'm better than what I am~You are confident, capable and devoted~you're a dork~you have the most beautiful hair in the world, and you wear it long because I like it~you can finish my sentences~you support me in everything I do...even if it seems ridiculous to you~I can look into your beautiful eyes and all of my troubles, fears, disappointments, and frustrations dissolve without a trace~You make me a complete person and filled up a hole in my life I didn't even realize was there till we met~I can spend all day just looking at you~you look at me as if no other man exists, like you hold my heart and soul and I think you do because I know I hold yours~I love you