It’s interesting to me how moods change as the seasons change…how other people’s actions frame my state of mind. I truly think everything in life is weaved and intricately connected together. I woke up this morning in one of those philosophical moods….its as if I can’t turn my brain off. I’m consumed by my mind, fascinated with the mundane and confused by the flawed simplicity of nature.

I missed work yesterday…and I just know that today is going to be one of those “days,” you know one of those days where I’m going to be pulled in 5 directions at once, one of those days where I’m going to be so busy that the day is going to go by in a flash…and then, at the end of the day I’ll think to myself, “Was it all worth it?” And, as usual, I won’t have an answer.

Undercover Redneck

I’m at work and my cell phone rang a little bit ago. I didn’t recognize the number, but for some reason I answered it, and on the other end was a recorded message from Leann Rimes encouraging me to watch the final Nashville Star! Ok…so yeah, I may listen to country music, but now I feel like my privacy rights were violated or something. I mean, is there like some redneck list out there, and am I on it???

Destinations Unknown

I'd like to be swimming in the sea
dancing in the rain
singing in the car

I'd like to be hiking in the mountains
sweating in the desert
fighting the sun from my eyes

I'd like to be lounging on the beach
hearing a breeze whistle in my ear
I'd like to be anywhere but here

Rest and Relaxation

All in all I had a good weekend. Friday night I didn’t do too much. After work I went and washed my faire clothes and then met Amber for dinner at the OG. I’m glad we had an opportunity to meet face to face. There’s a lot that is resolved, and a lot that isn’t….but that’s ok. We talked, ate, laughed, people watched, caught up and it was good. I feel good about it all, and that’s what matters. It’s not like we sat there pointing fingers at each other or anything, and that’s always a bonus! After dinner I went to the store and did some shopping for faire…and then I came home and VEGGED! Scott and I looked up some stuff online for the new house, and that was cool. Looks like we’re getting a NEW BED! Did the faire thing on Saturday, and it wasn’t too bad. We hired two more people, so that helped a lot…not to mention they are both friends of mine, and being surrounded by fun people is never a bad thing!

Another Day

Today is new day, and it stands on its own as its ownYes, there is a yesterday, and they are connected, but they too are separate.Being able to differentiate...there is worth in being apart, in standing alone.

Schanelle came over and hung out last night. I had such a good time just sitting and talking. I haven't just sat and relaxed like that in awhile. We just vegged, and talked and then talked some more. I felt like I was wrapped up in a safe blanket. There were no harsh words, no mean accusations and no blame. It was just Nelly, Carla and I and it felt great!

This weekend is another faire weekend, and I'm ready for it! Last Sunday I had a bunch of fun playing with the crowd....and I can't wait to do that again! Carla will be joining me, and I'm sure she'll have a great time too:)

Get a new hobby

My blog is my blog, I don't write it for anybody but myself. If there are people out there who want to disect my every word and attempt to figure out what I mean, or what I'm implying with my words...then seriously, you need a new hobby. Up until today I didn't realize that so many people take such an interest in what I feel about writing. Obviously I was wrong....

Sorting Things Out

When I was in junior high I remember coming home from school in such a funk because I didn't have any friends. I went from hanging out with the MG squad to having nobody. The queen bee decided that I wasn't cool enough, and bam, I was dropped. I remember getting my lunch and looking around for somewhere to sit...for somewhere to blend in. It wasn't that I was disliked, that wasn't it...looking back now I think people just didn't know what to make of me. I was the poor white girl who lived in South Colton...and I was in honors classes. I was an anomaly among a world of carbon copies. I didn't meet the cool kid’s standards, but then at the same time I didn't quite fit in with all the kids in my neighborhood either. So I dealt with it...I did my own thing and plugged on.

Things changed in high school and I became comfortable in my own skin. No longer did I need to "fit in". No longer did I want to be part of the cool crowd, I was content with the circle I had. When I was younger I was constantly on the move. In 4th and 6th grades I attended 3 separate schools, that’s a total of 7 schools in three years.....and it was hard. Always being the new kid, always sticking out....always searching for new friends....always feeling like I was missing out on something. Simply put, I was different - I was smarter than most and fatter and taller than everybody. There was always something that tugged at me. In high school I did my own thing, and that’s all that mattered. I excelled in the academic, and I loved it. I was done hiding, done pretending and for the first time I began to learn to love myself.

And I learned an important lesson, if I loved myself, then others loved me, and you know what, that’s my secret. That’s how I get through those dark days...how I smile and laugh and go on with things. If I can't live my life for myself and be happy with that....then why bother? Life is a gift I choose not to waste. I learned that when I loved myself....my friends loved me, I learned you give what you get, and that the golden rule really is golden.

Its funny how when I was 16 I thought I knew everything....and how nearly ten years later I realize that I know a lot, but there's a whole lot out there that I don't understand.

I don't understand how people can be so purposefully vindictive and malicious.
I don't comprehend how people can not stand up for themselves...how they refuse to take life by the reins and charge ahead.
I don't get how people put others down to make themselves feel better...
I don't understand how I can be such a giving person, and other people are all about taking....
I don't get users...or how people let themselves be used.....

And you know what...I don't get how people can't take ownership for their problems and drama.
I won't be anybody’s scapegoat...I refuse.

I know this entry makes little sense, but I have a lot on my mind and I needed an outlet of sorts. I want to climb to the tallest mountain for just a minute I want to raise my arms in the air and scream. I want every negative person or influence in my life to magically fade away....for just a moment I want my mind to cease and for my heart to rest. I don't want to care about losers the way I do....I really don't....but you know, that’s just it, that’s just who I am, and while I may have a problem caring too much, that’s who I am....and I really do love myself, and in the end, that’s the most important thing.

I had one of those weekends that feels like it just went on and on...but at the same time, kinda like it all happened in a flash.

Faire opened this weekend....and that was interesting to say the least. Saturday goes down in history as one of the most worst days I've ever endured. I woke up at 5:30 and packed up all my stuff and left my apt just before 6:30. Then my boss calls me and asks me to picks up some cigarettes for her husband...and me being the nice person I am, I did it....and the rest of the day was just one unfortunate event after another.

SHIT List:

1. No power in the store until about 4:30. Every purchase had to be written up and calculated by hand with the worldest smallest calculater (I'd bet money the calculater was purchased at a 99 cent store...)
2. It was hot as fuck, and the tent they decided to use a store traps heat like no other, it was like a sauna all day. I was like a melting fat girl
3. I left my apt at 6:15 in the morning....and walked in the front door at about 10 till 9 at night. I've never been so frazzled or drained in my life.
4. There is no "back area" to my booth...so no where to actually take a break and chill.
5. The store is right on the lake (which should be cool, but its not). Every child that walks in the store is like, "LOOK WATER!!!" and then they are off and running. I'm already short staffed, but now I have to have one person on lake duty at all times.
6. My supervisor had a breakdown about 10 minutes before faire was to open and started crying.
7. I drank a WHOLE GALLON of water and I only peed once!! Can way say heat exhaustion? I thought I was going to pass out, I got all dizzy, and felt shakey....so I was like, I need to go sit down for awhile... yeah that was fun.
8. I forgot my cup at home, so I went next door to the Ale Stand and explained that I was the manager over at Renco, and politely asked if I could have an EMPTY cup...and he told me no. Yeah, that bastard is on my shit list...First of all, it was a goddamn cup, second of all that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. I was like, "I AM THE MANAGER NEXT DOOR!!!!" So he handed me a 4 ounce cup...I told him I'd think of him when I'm doing shots of water. Yeah, that asshole is in for it!
9. The new girl is scared of her own shadow.I could go on and on, it was that bad.

After walking a mile out to my car I sat down and just cried. Why am I doing this again??? Oh yeah...because I used to enjoy it and I wanted the extra money....I hurt so bad when I woke up Sunday morning, it was like my body was going to break in half. I was sore in places I didn't even know existed! I went in when I felt like it, to hell with that 7am shit! First thing in the morning I talked to my boss, and was like, I'm quitting. She begged, we discussed and I laid out my conditions. I know all the problems and shit I dealt with on Saturday were not her fault, and me quitting has nothing personally to do with her, and she understood that. I just can't handle being beaten on all sides. A) the money isn't that great and B) if I'm not enjoying myself then its a total waste of my time. She asked me what it would take for me to stay and I laid it all out for her. She agreed with me on everything...and pleaded with me to stay. I told her I'd come back next weekend, but if its shitty again I'm walking. On the brighter side, Sunday was a much better day.

I guess the thing that got to me the most was that physically, emotionally and mentally I was at my breaking point on Saturday. I'm a clearheaded strong individual...but Saturday pushed me to my limits in more than one way. It was like one shitty thing after another. My body and my health are too important to be toyed with. At the end of the day my brain and body were just beat. I had one beer on Saturday night and I thought I was going to die. My body was like, "You bitch...first you take me to hell and put me in a bodice and not you want me to digest this shitty beer you're drinking"

More rantings to come later....I left work early because I feel like shit (head, throat, nose and I have a fever) and its time for me to take some meds and say hasta la pasta to the world for awhile.

Silver Linings

Sometimes I feel like I’ve made so much progress, and then other days I feel like a defenseless helpless child. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me…but then I have days where I feel like there are monsters lurking…where it feels like one thing can just set me off – where the depression makes an appearance and I can’t seem to fight it off. Where sitting alone and doing nothing actually sounds appealing. I’m not sure what to do on those days. Do I continue to smile and nod and act like everything is ok? Or do I give in and become a recluse and hide away?

Is there something wrong with me…or is everyone like this, and I just happen to be more open with my feelings…I often wonder.

I know there is no value in pretending. Façades will fade and expire, and it feels like Depression is always at the window ready and willing to play peek-a-boo.

“Peek-a-boo….I don’t wanna see you today!”

Random Babblings

It’s a brand new week…and as usual I have a bunch to do, only this time around my to do list seems never-ending. There’s laundry, cleaning, taxes, sorority stuff, finishing thank you cards and a bunch of other little things on my mind. Plus, my work to do list seems just as insurmountable right now. It was strange though, I woke up this morning before my alarm went off ready and willing to start the day. There’s something about fresh weather and spring that gets in my system. Now is the time for new beginnings, for taking each day as a gift and running with it. Life is too short to be consumed by hurt, pain or anger. So you get up, and you keep truckin’. I decided what I want out of life…and even more importantly I know what kind of person I am, and what kind of person I want to be. Pity parties are lame and pettiness and being selfish are overrated. Before I went to work I sat down and wrote Amber a letter. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. My mom asked me if I was angry at her…and that’s not the emotion consuming me. I feel hurt and disappointed. I never thought she of all people would treat me as she has. I’m curious to see if she responds – curious to see if she even cares.Yesterday was beautiful! I woke up with the worst hangover, in fact I felt like I was still intoxicated. I jumped in the shower hoping that would make me feel better…and it didn’t, not really. At least I was clean though. Scott and I went to our favorite breakfast restaurant and had a yummy meal. Then we came home and I put my pjs on and went back to bed. Rarely do I take a day just for myself where the only thing on the agenda is self pleasure. I napped, I got naked, I snacked, I watched tv, I played online…it was scandalous doing nothing! I can’t do that too often, but every now and again its like my inner being, my brain, my soul, whatever it is – just needs a break. Today I start the marathon work stretch. Faire starts this Saturday and runs until May 22nd, meaning I won’t have a day off until May 28th! Oh yay….This is my eighth year working faire, and every time around I think I must be crazy. There’s just something about it all that keeps me coming back. I love the feel of it all, plus the money doesn’t hurt. The extra mula will definitely come in handy in the next couple of months. Well, I’ve mindlessly babbled enough…I’m thinking its time to start my day!