Singular Goals

Standing at the edge of meaning where chaos and harmony live together in balance finding symbolism in everything and comfort in the lil things, trying my best to make things right, to be the person I seek to be...this is my goal this spring. Juxtapositions of thoughts of happiness and pain, of meaning, chaos and harmony.

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My fish at work are growing up. When I first began babysatting them, their mommy is on maternity leave, they were on the small side...and now its been just about two months and they're HUGE! The lighter one is developing spots, which is completely normal, and the dark one acts like one of these days he's going to jump out of the tank and sit in my lap. They're possessed hungry lil fuckers, and I love 'em!

Last weekend was good...we had a yard sale and it went pretty well on Saturday. I got to spend some time with my family, had a date with Scott and checked out the Sunday services at the Goddess Temple in Orange County. All in all it was the mind relaxation the weekend provided that I desperately needed.

I'm not sure whats been with me the last week, but I've been moody, withdrawn and just in a reckless mood. I know how I used to deal with funks like this...and I know that I need to find more positive outlets. I have the desire to solve all my problems with the wave of a wand and it just isn't that easy. I need to figure out what it is thats needling me and then fix it. Thats how I work, how I want to operate....and yet its not that simple.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm happy with my job for the first time in like ever. I'm ecstatic about my marriage and I'm excited knowing that our first anniversary is coming up soon. I have supportive friends who love me for me, and yet there's still something there that isn't content, that feels withdrawn...that yearns to smile all the time and mean it.

Taking Chances

I went to an open casting call for the Biggest Loser on Saturday at the NBC Studios in Burbank. I went alone and stood in line for about five hours...and I had fun! When I decided to go there was no looking back. I asked a couple friends if they wanted to go with me, and nobody really seemed interested. I didn't want to coerce anybody to keep me company, and in hindsight it was a good experience for me to go by myself. I may have overweight friends, but at the end of the day, I wasn't going for anybody, but myself. I met a few cool people in line and honestly it didn't feel like I was in line all that long. The people watching was great and I was definitely entertained! The actual time spent with the casting people was short, but I've convinved I made an impression! So...here's to throwing it out to the universe and seeing what happens!

Yesterday Scott and I went to the Museum of Tolerance in LA. I've wanted to go there for years, finally it just happened. We were like, "So, what should we do today..." and the next thing I knew Scott was looking up directions on how to get there online. Wow, what an experience! I had heard good reviews, but there is nothing like going and experiencing it for yourself.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day and I can hardly wait! It'll be two years ago tomorrow when Scott and I finally ended the no-label phase of our relationship. I'll never forget how special our first Valentines Day was together. Scott planned a super secret surprise and away we went...and we keep going! I'm convinced there is nothing more beautiful in this world than LOVE!

Catechism for a witch's child

Catechism for a witch's child
by J.L. Stanley

When they ask to see your gods
your book of prayers
show them lines
drawn delicately with veinson the underside of a bird's wing
tell them you belive
in giant sycamores mottled
and stark against a winter sky
and in nights so frozen
stars crack open spilling streams of molten ice to earth
and tell them how you drank
the holy wine of honeysuckle
on a warm spring day
and of the softness
of your mother
who never taught you
death was life's reward
but who believed in the earth
and the sun
and a million, million light yearsof being.