Its the most wonderful time of the year!!

If you've been my friend for any real length of time, then you'll know that Christmas just isn't my holiday. Maybe I had one too many tarnished Christmas' or maybe too many psycho Christians have put a damper on the day. I'm not sure what it is, but before Scott I could really care less about the holiday. All of that has changed now. Last year I got the best news of my life on Christmas day. Finding out Irelyn was on her way restored my the magic and wonder of the season for me.

This is Irelyn's first Christmas/Yule. Now I know she's not gonna know whats going on, but I do know she's gonna appreciate all the sparkly lights!!! For the last two weeks I've been thinking about getting a tree and making shopping plans. This morning after our Sunday breakfast date (Its a Scott/Wiski thing) we went to Micheals and the Dollar Tree. Instead of putting Irelyn in her stroller or keeping her in the carseat I decided to put her in the baby carrier and walk around Micheals like that. Oh, and I'm proud to report that Irelyn picked out the garland for the tree! My brother told me that there is nothing like seeing the world through your child's eyes. Call me a wuss, but there were a couple times when my eyes leaked a lil. I'm just soo damn giddy, I swear!

So Scott and I bought a tree and picked up a few random items. We came home cleaned up and then decorated! I can't believe it...but our cozy lil apartment is ready and everything just looks so darn cute! We even have a fireplace (nevermind the fact that to turn it "on" all you do is flip a switch..."

Its very important to me to raise Irelyn with an awareness what the holiday season really means. Its not all about Santa and shopping and I'll do my best to rear her in a manner where she respects the season and appreciates all of life's many blessings. I'll admit there was even a time when I contemplated not perpetuating the Santa myth....that was years ago. I remember telling my mom and grandma this and they looked at me like I should've been imprisoned or something. I'm older and a tad bit wiser now...and I've thought about it a lot. I've come to the conclusion that I want Irelyn to appreciate the meaning behind all the holidays and at the same time I want her to be mesmerized by the magic. There is nothing like being a child...nothing at all.

So..as I sit here and ramble I can't help but smile to myself. My house is clean (well for the most part), my holiday decorations are up, my baby LOVES the sparkly lights and the whole place just feels happy.

Being a Mommy

Tomorrow Irelyn will be three months old. I remember three months ago exactly what I was doing; I had to go to night court in Newport to pay an overdue seatbelt ticket and then Scott and I went to dinner at Johnny Reb’s (they have the world’s best onion rings and mac n’ cheese). We stopped at Shauna’s on the way home (so she could rub my preggers belly one more time). I was so excited I could hardly sleep that night. I wasn’t nervous, and in fact I was pretty calm about being induced the next morning. More than anything I was eager to get the show on the road and have my baby already!

Here I am three months later and a lot has happened. I’ve change, I knew I would, I just didn’t know how profound the motherhood experience would be. In the words of my friend Jen I’ve fully crossed over to the other side…and seriously, do ya’ll know how beautiful it is on the other side? The grass may not be any greener, but it sure does look greener…or maybe I just notice and appreciate the world I live in a whole lot more.

I love being a mommy…I love Irelyn’s lil baby smiles (side note, just as I typed that I heard her fussing in the pack n play, and I went and checked on her and bam, she gives me one of those HUGE gummy smiles!) I love the coy lil look she gets on her face after she has a big poo and the way lately she’s been trying to get a giggle out. I love seeing Scott’s face light up when he tells me she pulls his beard in the shower. I love knowing that sometimes all she needs is mommy and the tears will cease. I love it all, even the nights when she wakes me up…because nothing will ever compare to the feeling you get inside when a child holds on to you, it’s a feeling I can’t even put into words. (and if you know me, you know that I pride myself on being a words person!)

I went to the hospital today for my pre opp appt (I’m getting my gallbladder removed next week) and as I pushed Irelyn’s stroller up to the entrance I jabbered along (cuz that’s what I do…) and I started telling Irelyn about her time at the hospital, and it was then that it hit me. Sure, during the experience I knew that my daughter was in the NICU, how could I not? I mean I was discharged without my daughter, I pumped my boobies every 2-3 hours (to ensure I didn’t lose my supply and to provide my baby with the best nutrition possible) and visited the hospital 4-5 times a day. I went into autopilot, that’s what I do, that’s how I cope. As I mindlessly chattered on about mommy having to be in the hospital the reality of the experience hit me, and it hit me hard. My daughter spent the first 10 days of her life in the neonatal intensive care unit. Hell, even the name of the place gives me goosebumps. Words can’t do justice to how grateful I am to have a healthy and happy daughter.

Earlier this evening Scott gave her a bath and as I put her diaper on and gave her a baby massage I counted the rolls in her chubby lil thighs and I thought to myself, I’m thankful mommy has good milk…I’m grateful you’re a healthy lil sprite….I’m so thrilled to be your mama.

Tomorrow Scott and I embark on our first overnight adventure with Irelyn. We’re driving up to Santa Maria to visit family. Scott is super excited to introduce his daughter to his family and I get happy seeing him so giddy. I packed Irelyn’s bag earlier this evening and I made sure to put in one of her “I love Daddy” onesies. The smile he gets on his face when she wears one is priceless.

So far motherhood is better than I ever could’ve imagined. I have an opinion on just about everything in the world…but there are only two things I’m absolutely certain about. I married a man who completes me in every way imaginable and secondly, I was destined to be Irelyn’s mommy.

In Sync

Every now and again I have an out of body experience, you know the moment when you're like wow, this is my life. Last night Scott and I went on a lil date of sorts, it was nothing elaborate or expensive, but in the moment it was a mini vacation in paradise.

We left Irelyn with my mom and took cut up a couple slices of pie to take with us. Scott had stopped at Marie Callendars on the way home and picked up a pie that my mom has been wanting to try. We drove down to Seal Beach and ate our pie on the cement block fence that separates the parking lot from the sand. Scott and I both commented how we wish we could take a panarama picture of the scene in front of us. On the left we had the pier complete with a Ruby's restaurant on the end...on the far right, pass the city lights were cozy beach houses.

I'm lucky that I've had plenty of moments like this with my husband, moments when its only the two of us, where I feel as though our hearts are completely beating in sync. Last night was the first time since Irelyn's birth that we had complete solo adult time with each other. As we sat on the wall, Scott had his arms around me and I wish I had the words to adequately describe completely how I felt. My life is so complete. I have the perfect husband, and together or love has created a beautiful lil girl. Every day I realize how useless it is to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things very few things actually matter to me anymore.

Pregnancy Reflections

This pregnancy thing is pretty interesting to say the least. Since Christmas evening I think I've felt almost every emotion possible. When the Asian doctor at Kaiser delivered the news that we were expecting he said, “So, I hear congratulations are in order?” Scott and I were like, um…so does that mean we’re pregnant?

I’m about to have my baby and I can’t even begin to describe how I feel. I’m excited and nervous all that the same time. As a first time mom I worry about how my labor is going to progress, but then at the same time I’m not worried at all. Woman have delivered babies since the dawn of time, and I remind myself that I’m not an exception.

I’ve had a few plus size women ask me for advice about getting pregnant, or about being pregnant and in those moments I’m kinda stumped. I mean, I’m just a normal girl…what do I know about pregnancy? I’ve answered as best as I can…and I’ve shared my experience.

Whatever happened to the Wiski I used to be? When I graduated college I spent most of my free time hanging out with friends consuming massive quantities of caffeine at the local coffee shop, or large amounts of beer at the area dive bars. I worked in job I was over qualified for with a boss who milked me for all I was worth.

Gradually I was able to grow up and move on…from both the alcohol and the horrid job. Five years later I find myself in a completely different place in life. I’m genuinely happily married, I live in a home of my own and work with people I actually like. In two short days I’m going to be a real live mom and all I can think over and over again is wowzers!

During the last couple of weeks of maternity leave I’ve had more than enough time to think about where I’ve been. Too much navel gazing isn’t good for the soul….but period ventures through the looking glass are required for growth. I’ve thought about how I grew up, and whether I liked it or not I explored the parts of my childhood I recall fondly, and even opened the doors to rooms I’ve stowed all the shit I’ll never discuss, the stuff I never want to remember. And here I am…all the pieces of me are still securely put together, and I’d even take a gamble and argue that the pieces are glued more tightly together.

My purpose in life has always been self preservation. I put others first….that way they don’t get too close to me. I’m the queen of facades, smiles and disguises. Always in command of what I face I present to others…at the end of the day, I’ve always been concerned about me. The last nine months has changed my perception of myself, and of the people around me.

There have been moments when I’m consumed with anticipation and worry…and One minute I'm consumed with excitement and anticipation and the next I'm feeling overwhelmed and nervous. I know my roller coaster of emotions is normal, but I'll admit that there are some days when I just wanna scream!

Whatever happened to the Wiski I used to be? At first I thought maybe she was just in hiding, then I thought maybe she'd just disappear for awhile and now I realize that I will never be the person I was before getting pregnant. Until Irelyn is all grown up I'll never put myself first. I'm not saying that I won't do what's in my best interest, I am saying though that my role as a mother will be my first concern and top priority. I knew life would change prior to getting pregnant, its just interesting when you actually begin to notice and appreciate those changes.

I'm no longer the same Wiski...and I'm not mourning the loss of the old Wiski, rather I'm looking forward to discovering who this new Wiski will become.

Being Fat and Pregnant

Unlike most women I know, I've been blessed with a larger than normal dose of high self esteem. I'm not conceited or anything, I just don't think I'm special for any other reason. I'm just an average girl like everybody else. Now the truth of the matter is that I'm not like everybody else. In the medical world I'm medically obese. In layman's terms I'm just simply fat. And maybe I'm delusional, but on most days this simple fact doesn't bother me. It is what it is…and being fat doesn't make me any less of a person. My self worth isn't dependent on how many pounds I read on the scale. I don't get any special award I can hang on my wall for being smaller, and even if I did, I don't think it would really matter.

I've been big for as long as I can remember, and growing up I remember being teased. And I did what I did best, I plugged along and didn't let it get to me and I coped. I had friends like everybody else, was involved in school and was for the most part a normal person. And along the way maybe I fooled myself into believing that I wasn't different from everybody else…and maybe, maybe I'm not all that different.

And now I'm pregnant…and I'm still fat. Over the last 8 months I've realized that being both pregnant and fat is a trippy thing. In the beginning some people acted like I committed a cardinal sin, that it was inhuman and wrong to get pregnant at my size. I told a few people that Scott and I were expecting and they looked at me in shock, as if they were flabbergasted that I would do such a thing, or better yet surprised that we even had the right equipment to produce a baby. I also had people who automatically assumed I was a high risk pregnancy and told me at length in detail how overweight women have a greater miscarriage rate (cuz, that's the appropriate and right thing to tell a paranoid pregnant woman of any size). A few of these people went on and on about how I needed to prepare for bed rest, gestational diabetes and an automatic c-section. The truth is that yes, there are some complications for some pregnant overweight women…and there are also plenty of plus size mommies-to-be that have regular pregnancies and deliver normal healthy babies every damn day.

I entered my pregnancy with the same frame of mind I approach everything with…confront the situation head on, do your research, pay attention to detail and move the fuck along, and so far…so good!

Prior to getting pregnant I had moderately high blood pressure (about 135/80) and my doctor choose to put me on a low dosage of medication. I've been tested for just about everything possible, and the resounding verdict from my doctor is that I'm as healthy as a horse, literally. I'm not naïve in thinking the remaining two months will be filled with sunshine and roses…but I'm optimistic and educated enough to not stress myself out and to let nature take her course.
Every pregnancy magazine features the perfect woman in their layouts. She'll have creamy perfect skin, no blemishes or redness and her belly bump will be perfectly round, perky and beautiful. And then there is me, I have a slightly off centered belly with a small dent in the middle that hasn't completely rounded out…and there is some wiggle at the bottom. To be blunt…it's quite amusing to watch me walk naked…the top part stays still like hard jello and the bottom…the bottom looks like melting jello that jiggles to and fro. I don't share these things to make people giggle (but feel free to)…I share because I think there is truly value in not shying away from the truth.

I don't live my life with my head in the clouds though either…Two things absolutely drive me crazy! Plus size maternity clothes piss me off. Seriously, they are one of the best jokes out there. For every big girl who complains about regular plus size clothes…take your frustration and multiply it by about eight and that's how frustrated I am with my clothing options. I've been able to find a few tops to get me through, and that was nice, but I won't even talk about pants. Thank Goddess I finally gave in and realized the comfort dresses offer. I'm still looking for the absolute perfect mu mu though…one with big bright loud obnoxious Hawaiian flowers!
Then there is the, "She's not pregnant, she's just fat" problem I face daily. Here I am beginning my 8th month and I'd bet my savings account that 90 percent of people I run into on a daily basis have no clue that I'm expecting. They probably attribute my slow waddle to my extra weight and they probably think I've always had cankles. What they don't know is that prior to getting pregnant I had some of the prettiest fat girl ankles around! HA!

Obviously, I don't fit into the perfect pregnancy mold ordained by society and rather letting it depress me I choose to cherish my body the way it is. I have a precious life growing inside of me and in two short months I'll finally get the chance to be the mother I've dreamt of being. Rather than let the naysayers get me down, I choose to constantly remind myself of the wonderful support and love Scott and I receive from friends and family. My little girl has been loved by so many people since the minute we knew she existed floating around in the critter condo. Lil Irelyn will enter a world stock full of laughter and love. I couldn't ask for more…

Simplicity. Thats how I chose to live my life these days. More to come.