One

Scott and I went to Dana Point yesterday and I absolutely loved every minute we were there. We walked along the jetty and sat amongst the rocks and enjoyed the view. We rocked…and rolled and lived in the moment. The harbor was peaceful and quiet, and my thoughts were at peace. I was able to sit, relax and meditate. I can’t tell you how good it was to just be…to sit in the sun on a clear blue day…to watch families fishing and playing in the sand. Scott and I daydreamt about how it would be when we’re parents…and we both giggled at the thought of having a toddler in a diaper getting their toes wet in the water. Its moments like these when I feel alive, moments like these when I feel connected and at peace.

Passing

I'm going to a funeral in a lil bit and I'm not looking forward to it. I wasn't particularly close to the person who passed...but I did know her and I'm shocked that she's gone. How does one act in situations like this? Death is a natural part of life, and unfortunately most people seem to think its the end of the world...and while it is an end of this plane, I know its not the end. People don't go out like lightbulbs. I'm not cold or heartless when it comes to death...I'm just in that unfeeling stage right now.

Because

Constant flux of change, of discovery
I did something new, I’ve modified my appearance.
I now have bangs, and that’s all I have to say about that.

One of those days...

There are days when I would just love to cry...is that a bad thing, does that make me normal, or just incredibly emotional? Who knows...but yeah, today is one of those days. I try to help others and the best laid plans are just that plans...and plans are just that, they don't equate expected action, and there's always a hole for dissatisfaction and then that dissatisfaction leads into blame and I don't like that.

I hate feeling let down...and even more I hate letting down others.

I want to

I’m having one of those restless days…it happens sometimes. I wake up feeling fine, I get to work and I feel alright…and then when I start to get into the swing of work, it just doesn’t come. I don’t waste energy trying to explain it…it is what it is.

So here I am, procrastinating at work…..and it feels good! Sometimes I think people just need to give their brain a break…and that’s what I’m striving for today!

I haven’t written in awhile…and this isn’t going to be a post full of literary genius, HA! I wish…just more of me putting down some thoughts, bring some people up to speed…stuff of that nature.

I turned over a new leaf on January 2nd..and I’m feeling good. I’m not calling it a diet, I dislike that word, and I’ve learned, if I’m going to make true progress than I’m gonna have to change my living and eating habits. I know I will never be small, and losing weight isn’t my primary goal, getting healthy is. I’m lucky that I’ve never had any serious health issues…but I’m also young, and lucky…and smart enough to know there’s some hereditary stuff I’m likely to have to deal with…so why not be a better me?

Before the first of the year I went and spoke to my doctor about my weight and she informed me that I would qualify for the gastric bypass, and I even went to an orientation about it. After the orientation Scott and I went to the Disneyland Hotel to walk around and look at the holiday decorations. I remember feeling out of sorts…Yes, I’m fat, I’ve always been big…and I’ve always accepted myself for who I am. Sure, I have insecurities like the next person….but I also know I’m lucky. My weight has never hindered me, its never gotten me down, and in all honesty I’ve never had a problem being me, making friends or in the past dating. People have joked before, saying, “Wiski…you just don’t know you’re fat.”

The hell I don’t! I just won’t ever let something keep me from being the happy confident person I am.

I’ve accomplished everything I’ve put my mind, energy and effort into….and I’ve never honestly tried to be a healthier better me, so why not now? I’ve never tried to eat better…I’ve never tried to consistently exercise, and I don’t know why I haven’t….but I do know that now is the time for me to focus on me!

Its been almost two weeks and I’m feeling good. Last week I went to the gym four times, and this week I’ll hit the gym 3-4 times. I’m actually enjoying sweating…and talk about energy and feeling better!

I know I can do this…I know I can succeed…and I can’t explain how I know…but I really have the faith and confidence that I can do this! I know I’m a strong person…and I think I’m gonna find out just how strong I really am!

Since the beginning

Smiles that last
Huggling at night
Random phone calls throughout the day, just to tell me he’s thinking about me
Sharing moments late at night
Wiping my tears, holding me close
Sharing our dreams
Cheering each other on
Text messages that only he and I get
Celebrating everything
Cherishing the lil things
Constantly holding hands