Being too NICE

Hi, my name is Wiski and I’m a NICE addict. You laugh, make jest of my problems? It used to be something I was proud of…and now, now it’s something I’m scared of. I used to be a raging BITCH, seriously. I said what I thought, I spared nobody’s feelings and I went on with my big bad self…and then I grew up and I realized that being a BITCH wasn’t going to get me anywhere, so I made myself be nice and after awhile I was like Pavlov’s dog, I trained myself to be NICE….

So here I am, five years later and I have a problem. I’m too nice. I let people walk on me. Yes, I still have an opinion about anything everything under the sun, but when it comes to people’s feelings, I spare them at my own expense. I keep it in…I don’t say what I want to because I’m worried I’m going to hurt their ego, I’m worried they’re going to think I’m a bad person…and you know what, it drives me crazy!

I wish I could stand on top of the tallest building in OC (which is probably Tower of Terror at Disneyland) and just vent and yell. I’d start of with some work shit, and I’m sure I’d have a few candid things to say about my replacement…and then, then I’d have some more shit to say about a bunch of other stuff in my life. And then, when everything is said and done I’d feel so much better! The shroud of NICENESS, the veil of CIVILITY would be gone…and there I’d be, the I-used-to-be-NICE-Wiski….and here’s where the uncertainty is…I’m not sure who I want to be.

I know for sure I don’t want to the raging bitch, sure she’s fun when she’s on a roll, but at the end of the day its lonely being a BITCH...and I know for sure I don’t want to be the QUEEN of NICE either…so I guess I’m left with finding a balance. I guess I need to learn to tap into the old me…and then again, there’s another fear, I silenced the beast before, what happens if I open Pandora’s Box? What happens if being a BITCH feels good? What happens if I don’t want to let go?

Then again…if life keeps going the way it is I’m going to end up bending over backwards, getting it in the ass, pleasing the whole damn world…and meanwhile I become more and more a shadow of the person I want to be, moreover the person I am supposed to be.

So yeah…look out world, I’m visiting the BITCH world for awhile.

I’m taking NO PRISONERS!

who the fuck cares

Call me bitter, call me tired, but I'm so at that breaking point, where I just wanna scream. Now, I know I'm narcissistic, in fact I'll own up to being an intellectual snob, but seriously I feel as though I'm daily losing hope in the human population. People are stupid, lazy, mean, and in the end I realize more and more people I know are fucktards, and then there is a whole other world of fucktards I don't know out there...Scary thought huh?

Ok, so I must've woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, or the cosmos decided today was going to be on of those days. London's transit system was bombed again, more people in Iraq are dead, and the media...the media doesn't really care. The Bush Administration and Tony Blair are trying to downplay everything....I wonder why. Maybe its because the second attack doesn't fit in nicely with their PR, maybe the first one was good for morale, but the second, the second is just overall bad ju-ju....hmmm, just a thought.

Last night I went to some new club opening, and yeah, I'm gonna tell it like it is....it wasn't all that great. Sure the venue was cool and all that, but thats it...I wonder if I can make some money, start a pool over how long its going to last. I'm definitely curious...I mean, it has what it takes.....but on a Wednesday??

I'm swamped at work, beyond swamped and there's no end in sight...no reprieve, no rest....no break for the wary. I just plug on...The replacement, she's a fucktard...enough said on that. I could go into details but her fucktardedness is getting to the point where it seriously frustrates me. Being stupid doesn't necessarily qualify you for fucktard status, but fuck, she's definitely a member of the fucktard camp.

Well, its time for me to get my self in gear and begin another day slaving away for the man. OH JOY.

...at least I have a weekend to look forward too....

tangents

I thoroughly enjoyed my three day weekend! Friday night…hmm, what did I do Friday night?? Hmm, seems like I don’t remember! HA!! Oh yes, now I remember…I got home, took a bubble bath and read Harry Potter. Scott lit a candle and brought me a cocktail!! How cute is that?!? I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with good friends in the garage.
Scott and I celebrated our three month wedding anniversary on Saturday. Before he got home I flooded the garage with the washer, talk about good times! Thank goodness we have a bunch of towels at home!! Scott got off of work and we went to the laundromat. We can be doing anything or nothing together and I still have a good time.

That evening a bunch of us went to BFL for the Grand Reopening/Three Year Anniversary Party. I had a good time partying with my homies! I’m glad Amber and Schanelle came;)

Sunday was our Big Hillbilly Ho Down BBQ!! My mom, Eric, Michelle, the boys and a bunch of our friends were there. Scott bought me a pool for the front yard and I had so much fun playing with my nephews….and then later trying to empty the water out I slid and nosedived in! Go me!

Monday was spent with Carla and her familyJ and then later Scott and I came home for some pool time of our own. Talk about to water babies! Originally we planned on going back over to Mamasan’s, but then we just opted for chilling at the house. Neither one of us wanted to drive and I was content with being a bum at home. It felt good to veg!! I blared some Toby from the garage and we sat on the front yard and watched all the fireworks in the neighborhood! I’ve never seen that many fireworks any one area. All sorts of fireworks lit up the sky and the streets and driveways were sparkling as well. It was then that I had a moment…you knew that was coming didn’t you, I mean, I’m the girl that finds meaning in just about everything!

So as a woman, I sat in my front yard, wearing pants and no bra…and I was like wow, it feels good to be an American. Then I started thinking about my surroundings. I live in a predominantly Latino community and they were fully celebrating too. I despise bigotry, stupidity and racism of all sorts. Sure, messicans love to party…but that’s not just it. Regardless of our color, or culture heritage, I know they were happy for the same reason I was. We live in a free country. Sure…I could go off on some tangent about how power is futile and the Masses are ignorant…and in the end maybe Foucault’s theory of Biopower is correct, but it’s not worth it. I’ve debated with myself over and over again about the American Dream and how it is a fraud…but that’s not either.
So I’ve decided…let me break it down.
Given – American Dream is a self fulfilling prophesy, one of those, if you believe you can, you can kinda things.
Given – Our country has some issues (An unjust war, racial bigotry, sexism, big business, education, and a whole bunch of other shit)
Concluded – I’d never want to live anywhere else. Sure, I want to visit a kazillion places, but in the end, there’s no place but home. There’s no other country that compares to the spirit of the American people.

My two political heros have always been Benjamin Franklin and Frankin Roosevelt. I find it ironic that FDR was named after Ben Franklin…Too bad Scott doesn’t like the name Benjamin, and yeah, no kid of mine is going to be named Franklin! Each of these two men stood for thinking outside of the box, to pushing our country, to utilizing our potential, for having faith in the American People….and now, what the fuck do you call the sort of leadership we have now? Big business exploitation, to using civilians in some sort of global chess game? We have men and women in Iraq fighting for what? Freedom, justice? What? For the love of all that is holy, I’d really really like to know…I mean, hello, isn’t major combat over? I’m still waiting for an intelligent comprehensive coherent argument for us still being there. Forget telling me why we went there in the first place (I know the original “lie” well), but if anybody out there could tell me why we’re still stuck in a hot desert, why we’ve lost excess of 1700 people, and why we’re staying there, I’d really like to fuckin know.

And now…its time for me to go to lunch…more to come later.

Checking In...

I haven't written in awhile, I know.

I have lots to say, but I'm unmotivated to write it all down.

There are moments when life is just dandy, and then there are moments I'd love to just run and keep running. I wanna be like Forest Gump, “And I was runnin….”

Last Weekend Recap – Friday night I went to Cowboy Country, Saturday I went to Julia's baby shower and then visited my Grandma, and then on Sunday Scott kidnapped me and we went to Mexico. We got held up at the border for awhile, and I ended up missing a friend's birthday lunch (the one downer to the weekend). Sunday night as I fell asleep I felt like I could breathe again.

I’m longing to be home right now. I’m longing to clean my room….I’m longing for peace, maybe a lil solitude and some relaxation. I’m longing to dance, to relieve some stress and just have a good time.