Thanksgiving Eve

Myriad of unanswered questions, thats the story of my life...I'm always thinking, always questioning and at the the end of the day there never seems to be any plausible answers. Sometimes I wonder I if I should just become a nihilist, not like that would solve anything though...

My mom took Scott, Carla, Schanelle and I to dinner last night. It was an appreciated change of pace. Angel won again...Just when you think things are going to change, they don't...Its two steps forward, one and half paces back...and so goes the game over and over again.

I'm baking tonight! I plan on trying my hand at two of my grandma's recipes...and that makes me happy! In the last few years I've definitely grown closer to the old lady, and every day I look forward to our phone conversations. I share my day and then I listen. I've always been told how important listening is...but I'll be honest, it wasn't until I began to truly listen to my grandma babble did I internalize the significance. She's old, she's lonely...and sometimes I know my phone calls make her day, give her something to look forward too....and I find myself feeling the same way. I look forward telling her how Scott and I are doing, or telling her about some new recipe or dinner I tried. I love sharing stories about Scott and I and then in turn hearing funny memories of her and my grandpa. I cherish the fact that she's there for me, and even more I cherish the fact that I'm able to be there for her.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for so many things in my life. My health, my family and friends are all at the top of the list. I look back on the last year and together Scott and I've made so many improvements in our life. I've never been a fan of Thanksgiving, in face many of the darkest days of my youth connected to holidays...and its a hard thing to wipe away the stain of years past. Its hard to take ownership and say, "This is mine, this is going to be a great day!" Its hard, but I'm doing it...holidays are a time to rejoice, celebrate and be thankful, and I'm making the first steps.

I had lunch with a "friend" today...and it amazes me how some women define their total existence on men. It seriously boggles my mind...this "friend" used to hate Taco Bell, she would go so far as refuse to go there during lunch, and now strangely, she eats there. She met me and Schanelle downstairs at lunch (we had gone to the deli) and she walked up with Taco Bell. I made a comment about her liking Taco Bell, and here's the kicker, she tells me she likes it now because her boyfriend likes it! Hello!?!? Do I eat onions because Scott likes them? Yes my life has changed since we've been together, but I'm still me, I still have an identity of mine own....I have friends from before Scott, after Scott and somewhere in between, we've compromised, talked...and yeah, neither one of us has done a 180 for the other....

I have another hour of work left........I think I can make it!