Because

Don’t get lost standing still. Don’t lose yourself thinking about yesterday or tomorrow.

Breathing now, but living somewhere else.

I’ve had a few days to think, to reexamine and to enjoy myself. I know what I miss, what I don’t miss…I know what I want, what I deserve and what I cherish the most.

I followed through on plans I made for Saturday night. Its funny how Natalie adamantly wanted to go out to the BI…and then we make plans over two months in advance, and then she flakes. And despite her flaking, I still very much looked forward to going. There’s a feeling to the place I can’t quite describe.

The evening started off on a wobbly leg. We get there and I locked the keys in the car (in the ignition) with the lights on. Scott and I spent the first half an hour learning how to use a slim jim…and then finally we go in. I’m at the bar getting drinks before meeting everybody else and Sam comes up to me. I wasn’t angry or even upset about her saying hi. I’m frustrated by her actions and confused as to what her motivation was….but I didn’t let it get to me. Why she felt the need to “greet” me when Roxie and I lead separate amiable lives is perplexing.

I feel as though I’ve been through a divorce. We stopped being friends over two years ago. We went our separate ways, and I began living my life without her in it. I moved from having a constant confidante, a surrogate family, a best friend and a roommate to shielding my heart and walking away. I left a bitter young woman full of anger to holding memories of happiness and sadness. We have mutual friends, and it doesn’t bother me. I wish her well, I think about her often, but what was done had to be done. It happens, people grow apart. That’s all it was, nothing more, nothing less. It takes two to make something work.

Overall I had a wonderful time Saturday night. I forgot what it was like to love the music at the BI. I forgot what it was like to dance and really enjoy the moment. I forgot what late night trips through Jack in the Box were like. And as stupid as it sounds…I kinda forgot where I came from for awhile. You can take the girl out of the 909, but in the end you can never take the 909 out of the girl!

Scott asked me to slow dance with him to “You look wonderful tonight” and it was a made for movie moment. Instead of being filled with longing and wistfully looking at couples on the dance floor it dawned on me that I have exactly what I want. I drove back to memory lane changed but the same, with good friends and a wonderful husband. I ordered a few drinks knowing that I had the money to cover the cost…knowing that I didn’t have to drink and drink and drink to have a good time.

I’m older than my age, and yet for the first time I felt like a “whole” adult, like I’m finally becoming the person I want to be.