Whats wrong with me?

Have you thought so much your head hurt? There's questions swirling around me, feelings of longing...of want, of no definition whatsoever. Is this what it feels to be old, or is there some bigger problem I'm not seeing...not addressing....I guess I just wanna know whats going on all around me.

I'm in the new place in my life where things are familiar, yet not...different, yet the same. Am I that confused these days that I just don't see the big picture, or am I so caught up in trying to figure everything out and solve everything that I'm just missing it?

My grandma decided not to do Christmas at her home...and that saddens me to no end. Sure, in the last few years we've not done it on Christmas day, but there's still been something...and now, this year, they won't be. When she called me earlier this week to help her plan something I was all for it, anything to make grams smile. I've never been all that close with my extended family, but damn, why do they gotta hurt an old ladie's feelings??? If she would've gone ahead with her plans it would've been me, Scott, mom and....oh yeah, and another aunt. But what about everybody else??? Oh yeah, thats right, they're all caught up in something else........I sit here with tears in my eyes and I'm angry not because I won't get to see the rest of my dysfunctional family, but its more that I'm sick and tired of my grandmother getting slighted! What the hell happened with honoring your elders?

I have the world's best husband, there's not a doubt in my mind. When I'm in a funk, there he is with his boyish smile ready and WILLING to put a smile back on my face. When I wanna crawl in a hole and tell the rest of the world to fuck off, there he is ready to hold my hand...His love for the holidays is cute, and slowly I find myself willing to share in the joy of the season with him.

I'm at work right now...on a Saturday, and I like it. I like coming in alone, having my own space and not being bothered. I like getting stuff done...but most of all I love the solitude of it all.