Breaking Point

There’s something to be said about tears. I don’t know anybody who actually enjoys crying, but strangely somehow there is a sense of relief once those tears are shed.

I’m lost.

There are so many wonderful parts of my life that are totally in sync, that work like a well oiled machine. I have much to be grateful for…and much celebrate, but somehow, somehow something is missing. For the longest time now I haven’t been able to put a finger on it. I continually stick my finger out and I haven’t been able to feel which way the wind is blowing.

I’m a girl that lives in the moment, who sometimes lives in the moment just around the bend, I’m always thinking, what’s coming up next? Part of me wonders if that fight or flight mentality has roots in my youth, or if its just part of my inherent nature. Whatever the cause, I’m used to skipping ahead and conquering the next target.

For the last couple of years I’ve been derailed, and its not as though its been a bad thing. For the first time in forever, I’ve actually been able to relax and enjoy the now. There’s a sense of steadiness in my life I’ve never had…I’ve been in a comfortable place for so long, its odd to think about being somewhere else…

And yet…I sit at work and my being yearns for soemthing more, something meaningful. I know I’m bright, I’ve never doubted my intelligence, and yet, here I sit at work everyday with countless hours of nothing to do. I kidd you not I have that much free time…Sometimes I indulge daydreams of granduer, sometimes I mindlessly wander from website to website and other times I fall into that poor place of self-pity and depression. I know I’m better then this, smarter than this. I know I have gifts to give the world. Its as if I’m imprisoned myself for the safety of a paycheck. And…that’s not a bad thing…not a bag thing at all, but I’ve come to the place where I’ve had enough. I just can’t take it any longer.

I think ahead to the next 5 years of my life and I think, is this it? Is this what I have to look forward too? And asking and answering that question is the most telling of all. Sitting at this same desk, doing the same thing will literally turn me into a person I wouldn’t like…a person I never in a million years imagined being. Insurance isn’t bad, this company isn’t awful, but my dreams, my dreams deserve a fair shot.