Pregnancy Reflections

This pregnancy thing is pretty interesting to say the least. Since Christmas evening I think I've felt almost every emotion possible. When the Asian doctor at Kaiser delivered the news that we were expecting he said, “So, I hear congratulations are in order?” Scott and I were like, um…so does that mean we’re pregnant?

I’m about to have my baby and I can’t even begin to describe how I feel. I’m excited and nervous all that the same time. As a first time mom I worry about how my labor is going to progress, but then at the same time I’m not worried at all. Woman have delivered babies since the dawn of time, and I remind myself that I’m not an exception.

I’ve had a few plus size women ask me for advice about getting pregnant, or about being pregnant and in those moments I’m kinda stumped. I mean, I’m just a normal girl…what do I know about pregnancy? I’ve answered as best as I can…and I’ve shared my experience.

Whatever happened to the Wiski I used to be? When I graduated college I spent most of my free time hanging out with friends consuming massive quantities of caffeine at the local coffee shop, or large amounts of beer at the area dive bars. I worked in job I was over qualified for with a boss who milked me for all I was worth.

Gradually I was able to grow up and move on…from both the alcohol and the horrid job. Five years later I find myself in a completely different place in life. I’m genuinely happily married, I live in a home of my own and work with people I actually like. In two short days I’m going to be a real live mom and all I can think over and over again is wowzers!

During the last couple of weeks of maternity leave I’ve had more than enough time to think about where I’ve been. Too much navel gazing isn’t good for the soul….but period ventures through the looking glass are required for growth. I’ve thought about how I grew up, and whether I liked it or not I explored the parts of my childhood I recall fondly, and even opened the doors to rooms I’ve stowed all the shit I’ll never discuss, the stuff I never want to remember. And here I am…all the pieces of me are still securely put together, and I’d even take a gamble and argue that the pieces are glued more tightly together.

My purpose in life has always been self preservation. I put others first….that way they don’t get too close to me. I’m the queen of facades, smiles and disguises. Always in command of what I face I present to others…at the end of the day, I’ve always been concerned about me. The last nine months has changed my perception of myself, and of the people around me.

There have been moments when I’m consumed with anticipation and worry…and One minute I'm consumed with excitement and anticipation and the next I'm feeling overwhelmed and nervous. I know my roller coaster of emotions is normal, but I'll admit that there are some days when I just wanna scream!

Whatever happened to the Wiski I used to be? At first I thought maybe she was just in hiding, then I thought maybe she'd just disappear for awhile and now I realize that I will never be the person I was before getting pregnant. Until Irelyn is all grown up I'll never put myself first. I'm not saying that I won't do what's in my best interest, I am saying though that my role as a mother will be my first concern and top priority. I knew life would change prior to getting pregnant, its just interesting when you actually begin to notice and appreciate those changes.

I'm no longer the same Wiski...and I'm not mourning the loss of the old Wiski, rather I'm looking forward to discovering who this new Wiski will become.