In Sync

Every now and again I have an out of body experience, you know the moment when you're like wow, this is my life. Last night Scott and I went on a lil date of sorts, it was nothing elaborate or expensive, but in the moment it was a mini vacation in paradise.

We left Irelyn with my mom and took cut up a couple slices of pie to take with us. Scott had stopped at Marie Callendars on the way home and picked up a pie that my mom has been wanting to try. We drove down to Seal Beach and ate our pie on the cement block fence that separates the parking lot from the sand. Scott and I both commented how we wish we could take a panarama picture of the scene in front of us. On the left we had the pier complete with a Ruby's restaurant on the end...on the far right, pass the city lights were cozy beach houses.

I'm lucky that I've had plenty of moments like this with my husband, moments when its only the two of us, where I feel as though our hearts are completely beating in sync. Last night was the first time since Irelyn's birth that we had complete solo adult time with each other. As we sat on the wall, Scott had his arms around me and I wish I had the words to adequately describe completely how I felt. My life is so complete. I have the perfect husband, and together or love has created a beautiful lil girl. Every day I realize how useless it is to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things very few things actually matter to me anymore.

Pregnancy Reflections

This pregnancy thing is pretty interesting to say the least. Since Christmas evening I think I've felt almost every emotion possible. When the Asian doctor at Kaiser delivered the news that we were expecting he said, “So, I hear congratulations are in order?” Scott and I were like, um…so does that mean we’re pregnant?

I’m about to have my baby and I can’t even begin to describe how I feel. I’m excited and nervous all that the same time. As a first time mom I worry about how my labor is going to progress, but then at the same time I’m not worried at all. Woman have delivered babies since the dawn of time, and I remind myself that I’m not an exception.

I’ve had a few plus size women ask me for advice about getting pregnant, or about being pregnant and in those moments I’m kinda stumped. I mean, I’m just a normal girl…what do I know about pregnancy? I’ve answered as best as I can…and I’ve shared my experience.

Whatever happened to the Wiski I used to be? When I graduated college I spent most of my free time hanging out with friends consuming massive quantities of caffeine at the local coffee shop, or large amounts of beer at the area dive bars. I worked in job I was over qualified for with a boss who milked me for all I was worth.

Gradually I was able to grow up and move on…from both the alcohol and the horrid job. Five years later I find myself in a completely different place in life. I’m genuinely happily married, I live in a home of my own and work with people I actually like. In two short days I’m going to be a real live mom and all I can think over and over again is wowzers!

During the last couple of weeks of maternity leave I’ve had more than enough time to think about where I’ve been. Too much navel gazing isn’t good for the soul….but period ventures through the looking glass are required for growth. I’ve thought about how I grew up, and whether I liked it or not I explored the parts of my childhood I recall fondly, and even opened the doors to rooms I’ve stowed all the shit I’ll never discuss, the stuff I never want to remember. And here I am…all the pieces of me are still securely put together, and I’d even take a gamble and argue that the pieces are glued more tightly together.

My purpose in life has always been self preservation. I put others first….that way they don’t get too close to me. I’m the queen of facades, smiles and disguises. Always in command of what I face I present to others…at the end of the day, I’ve always been concerned about me. The last nine months has changed my perception of myself, and of the people around me.

There have been moments when I’m consumed with anticipation and worry…and One minute I'm consumed with excitement and anticipation and the next I'm feeling overwhelmed and nervous. I know my roller coaster of emotions is normal, but I'll admit that there are some days when I just wanna scream!

Whatever happened to the Wiski I used to be? At first I thought maybe she was just in hiding, then I thought maybe she'd just disappear for awhile and now I realize that I will never be the person I was before getting pregnant. Until Irelyn is all grown up I'll never put myself first. I'm not saying that I won't do what's in my best interest, I am saying though that my role as a mother will be my first concern and top priority. I knew life would change prior to getting pregnant, its just interesting when you actually begin to notice and appreciate those changes.

I'm no longer the same Wiski...and I'm not mourning the loss of the old Wiski, rather I'm looking forward to discovering who this new Wiski will become.

Being Fat and Pregnant

Unlike most women I know, I've been blessed with a larger than normal dose of high self esteem. I'm not conceited or anything, I just don't think I'm special for any other reason. I'm just an average girl like everybody else. Now the truth of the matter is that I'm not like everybody else. In the medical world I'm medically obese. In layman's terms I'm just simply fat. And maybe I'm delusional, but on most days this simple fact doesn't bother me. It is what it is…and being fat doesn't make me any less of a person. My self worth isn't dependent on how many pounds I read on the scale. I don't get any special award I can hang on my wall for being smaller, and even if I did, I don't think it would really matter.

I've been big for as long as I can remember, and growing up I remember being teased. And I did what I did best, I plugged along and didn't let it get to me and I coped. I had friends like everybody else, was involved in school and was for the most part a normal person. And along the way maybe I fooled myself into believing that I wasn't different from everybody else…and maybe, maybe I'm not all that different.

And now I'm pregnant…and I'm still fat. Over the last 8 months I've realized that being both pregnant and fat is a trippy thing. In the beginning some people acted like I committed a cardinal sin, that it was inhuman and wrong to get pregnant at my size. I told a few people that Scott and I were expecting and they looked at me in shock, as if they were flabbergasted that I would do such a thing, or better yet surprised that we even had the right equipment to produce a baby. I also had people who automatically assumed I was a high risk pregnancy and told me at length in detail how overweight women have a greater miscarriage rate (cuz, that's the appropriate and right thing to tell a paranoid pregnant woman of any size). A few of these people went on and on about how I needed to prepare for bed rest, gestational diabetes and an automatic c-section. The truth is that yes, there are some complications for some pregnant overweight women…and there are also plenty of plus size mommies-to-be that have regular pregnancies and deliver normal healthy babies every damn day.

I entered my pregnancy with the same frame of mind I approach everything with…confront the situation head on, do your research, pay attention to detail and move the fuck along, and so far…so good!

Prior to getting pregnant I had moderately high blood pressure (about 135/80) and my doctor choose to put me on a low dosage of medication. I've been tested for just about everything possible, and the resounding verdict from my doctor is that I'm as healthy as a horse, literally. I'm not naïve in thinking the remaining two months will be filled with sunshine and roses…but I'm optimistic and educated enough to not stress myself out and to let nature take her course.
Every pregnancy magazine features the perfect woman in their layouts. She'll have creamy perfect skin, no blemishes or redness and her belly bump will be perfectly round, perky and beautiful. And then there is me, I have a slightly off centered belly with a small dent in the middle that hasn't completely rounded out…and there is some wiggle at the bottom. To be blunt…it's quite amusing to watch me walk naked…the top part stays still like hard jello and the bottom…the bottom looks like melting jello that jiggles to and fro. I don't share these things to make people giggle (but feel free to)…I share because I think there is truly value in not shying away from the truth.

I don't live my life with my head in the clouds though either…Two things absolutely drive me crazy! Plus size maternity clothes piss me off. Seriously, they are one of the best jokes out there. For every big girl who complains about regular plus size clothes…take your frustration and multiply it by about eight and that's how frustrated I am with my clothing options. I've been able to find a few tops to get me through, and that was nice, but I won't even talk about pants. Thank Goddess I finally gave in and realized the comfort dresses offer. I'm still looking for the absolute perfect mu mu though…one with big bright loud obnoxious Hawaiian flowers!
Then there is the, "She's not pregnant, she's just fat" problem I face daily. Here I am beginning my 8th month and I'd bet my savings account that 90 percent of people I run into on a daily basis have no clue that I'm expecting. They probably attribute my slow waddle to my extra weight and they probably think I've always had cankles. What they don't know is that prior to getting pregnant I had some of the prettiest fat girl ankles around! HA!

Obviously, I don't fit into the perfect pregnancy mold ordained by society and rather letting it depress me I choose to cherish my body the way it is. I have a precious life growing inside of me and in two short months I'll finally get the chance to be the mother I've dreamt of being. Rather than let the naysayers get me down, I choose to constantly remind myself of the wonderful support and love Scott and I receive from friends and family. My little girl has been loved by so many people since the minute we knew she existed floating around in the critter condo. Lil Irelyn will enter a world stock full of laughter and love. I couldn't ask for more…

Simplicity. Thats how I chose to live my life these days. More to come.

Its time

I feel as though I'm going to throw up. I'm nervous, and shakey and my stomach is in knotts. This is the side that very few people see, this is the real me.

A lil under a year ago a good friend of mine got a job at my company, and because of the long commute she ended up moving into my spare bedroom. Over the last 10 months our relationship has deteriorated and I'm left feeling confused and helpless. And now the time has come for me to tell her she needs to move.

I feel as though I can't breathe...I hate confrontation. Even when I know its the right thing to do...I still dread that moment; that moment of anger, of recollection...the moment of complete truth, its all there in its own way.

I can't go on with the way things are though...the unspoken realization that things are different. A home full of weary glances, moods, tension and stress. It never really goes away, just festers, grows...intensifies.
And now the time is here.

The fuse has been lit for awhile now...is it going to blow out or just explode?

Feeling Comfortable

There is a difference between content and comfortable. There is an opportunity coming my way for a new job and the more I think about it the less I'm sure what to do. In the beginning when I was approached I was excited that somebody wanted me for my talents. I've never been approached by somebody wanting me on their team. I've always had to search for jobs...they've never come knocking at my door. This one is, its knocking and I don't even know if I wanna answer the door.

Relationships...

In the last 2 years I've learned that every relationship I've had or will have...will always change. What I think I have now...may not exist in another 2 years, and what I took for granted before may not always be there.

When I graduated college there were a few friendships I thought for sure would endure the test of time..and as the wheel turns I learn that some friendships were only meant to last for a certain duration...and some friendships will evolve with every life stage I find myself in.

There's a time...a place and a season for everything.

I had a good IM conversation with a friend over the weekend. She was like, I lost respect for *** when she couldn't bother to tell me she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Her typed words hit a huge cord with me. How do you tell somebody you don't want to be their friend anymore? How do you cut the tie when it already hurts so much? Everything in me tells me to walk away, to cut my losses now and to put myself first. The pain is too great...the mood changes and attitude is too much and I know that its not my problem, its her problem with the world. So what do I do?

I sat journaling earlier last week, and the question I posed to myself...what sets me apart? What makes Wiski special? Aside from aestic differences and personality quarks here and there, I realized something I've always known, yet rarely took any pride in. At the end of the day, I don't give up on people. I may say I'm done...I may wash my hands of the situation, but I never give up on people.

The possibility for growth, change and HOPE is always alive in my life.

And thus..there is my quandry. I can only avail myself for assistance, give space to the point where we no longer communicate and take the immeasurable rudeness and attitude for so long. Do I close myself off now and cross my fingers and hope that time is the solution for ***, that in the end she'll settle her own issues with the world?