Sorting Things Out

When I was in junior high I remember coming home from school in such a funk because I didn't have any friends. I went from hanging out with the MG squad to having nobody. The queen bee decided that I wasn't cool enough, and bam, I was dropped. I remember getting my lunch and looking around for somewhere to sit...for somewhere to blend in. It wasn't that I was disliked, that wasn't it...looking back now I think people just didn't know what to make of me. I was the poor white girl who lived in South Colton...and I was in honors classes. I was an anomaly among a world of carbon copies. I didn't meet the cool kid’s standards, but then at the same time I didn't quite fit in with all the kids in my neighborhood either. So I dealt with it...I did my own thing and plugged on.

Things changed in high school and I became comfortable in my own skin. No longer did I need to "fit in". No longer did I want to be part of the cool crowd, I was content with the circle I had. When I was younger I was constantly on the move. In 4th and 6th grades I attended 3 separate schools, that’s a total of 7 schools in three years.....and it was hard. Always being the new kid, always sticking out....always searching for new friends....always feeling like I was missing out on something. Simply put, I was different - I was smarter than most and fatter and taller than everybody. There was always something that tugged at me. In high school I did my own thing, and that’s all that mattered. I excelled in the academic, and I loved it. I was done hiding, done pretending and for the first time I began to learn to love myself.

And I learned an important lesson, if I loved myself, then others loved me, and you know what, that’s my secret. That’s how I get through those dark days...how I smile and laugh and go on with things. If I can't live my life for myself and be happy with that....then why bother? Life is a gift I choose not to waste. I learned that when I loved myself....my friends loved me, I learned you give what you get, and that the golden rule really is golden.

Its funny how when I was 16 I thought I knew everything....and how nearly ten years later I realize that I know a lot, but there's a whole lot out there that I don't understand.

I don't understand how people can be so purposefully vindictive and malicious.
I don't comprehend how people can not stand up for themselves...how they refuse to take life by the reins and charge ahead.
I don't get how people put others down to make themselves feel better...
I don't understand how I can be such a giving person, and other people are all about taking....
I don't get users...or how people let themselves be used.....

And you know what...I don't get how people can't take ownership for their problems and drama.
I won't be anybody’s scapegoat...I refuse.

I know this entry makes little sense, but I have a lot on my mind and I needed an outlet of sorts. I want to climb to the tallest mountain for just a minute I want to raise my arms in the air and scream. I want every negative person or influence in my life to magically fade away....for just a moment I want my mind to cease and for my heart to rest. I don't want to care about losers the way I do....I really don't....but you know, that’s just it, that’s just who I am, and while I may have a problem caring too much, that’s who I am....and I really do love myself, and in the end, that’s the most important thing.