My cousin was down from Oregon a week or so ago and we had a couple of good chats. I told him that he shouldn't feel guilty, that at the end of the day there is only so much of himself that he can give away without having anything left for himself. He nodded, smiled and was like, "when I'm having one of those days I'm gonna call you." I give good advice and yet, I have a really hard time following it myself.
In so many areas of my life I push myself to the max. I have to be in control and I thrive in competitive situations, but at the ripe old age of 31 (soon to be 32) I'm beginning to wonder where and how I fit into it all? I never feel as though I have enough time and I constantly want to do more. I don't feel as though I'm special, in fact I know other women feel the same way. From family, to work, to my friends, I'm constantly giving...and if I'm constantly giving, then what is left of me for me?
Pushing the limits, thriving on the power of the pull, playing roulette, waiting for the snap. This has been my life for so long. Its what I know, its what I'm comfortable with. This is my automatic pilot mode. I'm pulled in so many different directions and I would be amiss if I didn't acknowledge the looming feeling that one of these days I'm going to snap.
I see myself as a super hero. I juggle responsibilities like I'm the director of a tableau. Did you know its harder to stay still than it is to keep moving? I've been intrigued by yoga for some time. I even thought about attending a yoga class offered at work. A few weeks ago I found a yoga workout on demand and decided to give it a try before I attended a class and looked like a fool. This video was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I'm a flexible fatty, I should've been able to do a good number of the poses. I sretched, I followed the instructor...only I couldn't turn my mind off. I couldn't consciously breathe. I felt exposed, naked and anxious. Same goes for meditation. I start with the best of intentions and then like a goldfish with a three second memory I lose focus and forget that I'm meditating. I simply don't know how to quiet my mind these days.
