Surprised

Just when I'm feeling blue and down a lil fairy is always there to make me smile. I'm completely grateful for the real friends I have. Lately I've thought a lot about how people come in, and go...take advantage and use, and I've neglected to concentrate on the positive. Somebody just gave me a gift I didn't ask for, but a gift she knew I desperately wanted not for me, but for something else all together...and I'll forever be grateful and then some. Its times like this when I'm reminded what I already know, I'm truly blessed.

Lillies - Mary Oliver

I have been thinking
about living
like the lilies
that blow in the fields.
They rise and fall
in the edge of the wind,
and have no shelter
from the tongues of the cattle,
and have no closets or cupboards,
and have no legs.
Still I would like to be
as wonderful
as the old idea.
But if I were a lily
I think I would wait all day
for the green face
of the hummingbird
to touch me.
What I mean is,
could I forget myself
even in those feathery fields?
When Van Gogh
preached to the poor
of coarse he wanted to save someone--
most of all himself.
He wasn't a lily,
and wandering through the bright fields
only gave him more ideas
it would take his life to solve.
I think I will always be lonely
in this world, where the cattle
graze like a black and white river--

where the vanishing lilies
melt, without protest, on their tongues--
where the hummingbird, whenever there is a fuss,
just rises and floats away.

On my mind...

When you’re sixteen you know everything, when you’re 25 you begin to admit that maybe you don’t know everything…in fact there’s a lot out there that I don’t know…and there’s even more I’m beginning to realize not only about myself, but about my relationships with others as well.

My best friend when I was five isn’t my best friend today. Friends I’ve known for years doesn’t translate into being friends forever. The last few years of my life have been full of changes…and I’ve noticed there’s this glue that tends to stick people together.

I had dinner with my junior/high school friends last Friday. Many of us haven’t seen each other in years, and yet it was as if a beat wasn’t skipped. We asked about each other’s families, shared new experiences and had no problem relating to each other. They know me for who I am…I didn’t need to pretend and none of them felt the need to hold back. We’re all so different, and yet there’s this glue that keeps us together.

I called Anne the other day after not talking since about Halloween and there it was again, that timeless bond that’s never withered. She’s there when I need her, and I’ll forever be there when she needs me…but we don’t talk every day. Months can go by and yet we’ve never skipped a beat with each other…

I’m beginning to learn the difference between bad apples and tart apples…tart apples have flavor, some would even call it pizzazz…but you don’t want to eat a tart apple every day….

Today

Feeling compelled to write, to wonder…to dream and reflect.
Nothing spills forth, comprehension is nil and yet amazement is at full throttle.

Mesmerized by the natural, the mundane and the simple, that’s me lately.

"The role of a writer is not to say what weall can say, but what we areunable to say." - Anais Nin (1914-1977) French-born American Novelist, Dancer

Moving on for Me

Feeling expendable...like a paper cup
I serve a purpose for so many, I'm a resource and a tool....and then thats it.

I'm blessed in many ways to have quite a few friends I know I can count on...and then at the same time there's all this dead weight around me. Ever feel that way? Friendships are all about give and take...and I've been burned so many times by being the GIVER that I'm to this point where I just wanna say fuck it...and only associate with those people who give something back.

And this time...I think thats just what I'm going to do. I care too much and I keep getting burned, slighted and I'm done feeling unappreciated!

Whats wrong with me?

Have you thought so much your head hurt? There's questions swirling around me, feelings of longing...of want, of no definition whatsoever. Is this what it feels to be old, or is there some bigger problem I'm not seeing...not addressing....I guess I just wanna know whats going on all around me.

I'm in the new place in my life where things are familiar, yet not...different, yet the same. Am I that confused these days that I just don't see the big picture, or am I so caught up in trying to figure everything out and solve everything that I'm just missing it?

My grandma decided not to do Christmas at her home...and that saddens me to no end. Sure, in the last few years we've not done it on Christmas day, but there's still been something...and now, this year, they won't be. When she called me earlier this week to help her plan something I was all for it, anything to make grams smile. I've never been all that close with my extended family, but damn, why do they gotta hurt an old ladie's feelings??? If she would've gone ahead with her plans it would've been me, Scott, mom and....oh yeah, and another aunt. But what about everybody else??? Oh yeah, thats right, they're all caught up in something else........I sit here with tears in my eyes and I'm angry not because I won't get to see the rest of my dysfunctional family, but its more that I'm sick and tired of my grandmother getting slighted! What the hell happened with honoring your elders?

I have the world's best husband, there's not a doubt in my mind. When I'm in a funk, there he is with his boyish smile ready and WILLING to put a smile back on my face. When I wanna crawl in a hole and tell the rest of the world to fuck off, there he is ready to hold my hand...His love for the holidays is cute, and slowly I find myself willing to share in the joy of the season with him.

I'm at work right now...on a Saturday, and I like it. I like coming in alone, having my own space and not being bothered. I like getting stuff done...but most of all I love the solitude of it all.