I want to

I’m having one of those restless days…it happens sometimes. I wake up feeling fine, I get to work and I feel alright…and then when I start to get into the swing of work, it just doesn’t come. I don’t waste energy trying to explain it…it is what it is.

So here I am, procrastinating at work…..and it feels good! Sometimes I think people just need to give their brain a break…and that’s what I’m striving for today!

I haven’t written in awhile…and this isn’t going to be a post full of literary genius, HA! I wish…just more of me putting down some thoughts, bring some people up to speed…stuff of that nature.

I turned over a new leaf on January 2nd..and I’m feeling good. I’m not calling it a diet, I dislike that word, and I’ve learned, if I’m going to make true progress than I’m gonna have to change my living and eating habits. I know I will never be small, and losing weight isn’t my primary goal, getting healthy is. I’m lucky that I’ve never had any serious health issues…but I’m also young, and lucky…and smart enough to know there’s some hereditary stuff I’m likely to have to deal with…so why not be a better me?

Before the first of the year I went and spoke to my doctor about my weight and she informed me that I would qualify for the gastric bypass, and I even went to an orientation about it. After the orientation Scott and I went to the Disneyland Hotel to walk around and look at the holiday decorations. I remember feeling out of sorts…Yes, I’m fat, I’ve always been big…and I’ve always accepted myself for who I am. Sure, I have insecurities like the next person….but I also know I’m lucky. My weight has never hindered me, its never gotten me down, and in all honesty I’ve never had a problem being me, making friends or in the past dating. People have joked before, saying, “Wiski…you just don’t know you’re fat.”

The hell I don’t! I just won’t ever let something keep me from being the happy confident person I am.

I’ve accomplished everything I’ve put my mind, energy and effort into….and I’ve never honestly tried to be a healthier better me, so why not now? I’ve never tried to eat better…I’ve never tried to consistently exercise, and I don’t know why I haven’t….but I do know that now is the time for me to focus on me!

Its been almost two weeks and I’m feeling good. Last week I went to the gym four times, and this week I’ll hit the gym 3-4 times. I’m actually enjoying sweating…and talk about energy and feeling better!

I know I can do this…I know I can succeed…and I can’t explain how I know…but I really have the faith and confidence that I can do this! I know I’m a strong person…and I think I’m gonna find out just how strong I really am!

Since the beginning

Smiles that last
Huggling at night
Random phone calls throughout the day, just to tell me he’s thinking about me
Sharing moments late at night
Wiping my tears, holding me close
Sharing our dreams
Cheering each other on
Text messages that only he and I get
Celebrating everything
Cherishing the lil things
Constantly holding hands

Surprised

Just when I'm feeling blue and down a lil fairy is always there to make me smile. I'm completely grateful for the real friends I have. Lately I've thought a lot about how people come in, and go...take advantage and use, and I've neglected to concentrate on the positive. Somebody just gave me a gift I didn't ask for, but a gift she knew I desperately wanted not for me, but for something else all together...and I'll forever be grateful and then some. Its times like this when I'm reminded what I already know, I'm truly blessed.

Lillies - Mary Oliver

I have been thinking
about living
like the lilies
that blow in the fields.
They rise and fall
in the edge of the wind,
and have no shelter
from the tongues of the cattle,
and have no closets or cupboards,
and have no legs.
Still I would like to be
as wonderful
as the old idea.
But if I were a lily
I think I would wait all day
for the green face
of the hummingbird
to touch me.
What I mean is,
could I forget myself
even in those feathery fields?
When Van Gogh
preached to the poor
of coarse he wanted to save someone--
most of all himself.
He wasn't a lily,
and wandering through the bright fields
only gave him more ideas
it would take his life to solve.
I think I will always be lonely
in this world, where the cattle
graze like a black and white river--

where the vanishing lilies
melt, without protest, on their tongues--
where the hummingbird, whenever there is a fuss,
just rises and floats away.

On my mind...

When you’re sixteen you know everything, when you’re 25 you begin to admit that maybe you don’t know everything…in fact there’s a lot out there that I don’t know…and there’s even more I’m beginning to realize not only about myself, but about my relationships with others as well.

My best friend when I was five isn’t my best friend today. Friends I’ve known for years doesn’t translate into being friends forever. The last few years of my life have been full of changes…and I’ve noticed there’s this glue that tends to stick people together.

I had dinner with my junior/high school friends last Friday. Many of us haven’t seen each other in years, and yet it was as if a beat wasn’t skipped. We asked about each other’s families, shared new experiences and had no problem relating to each other. They know me for who I am…I didn’t need to pretend and none of them felt the need to hold back. We’re all so different, and yet there’s this glue that keeps us together.

I called Anne the other day after not talking since about Halloween and there it was again, that timeless bond that’s never withered. She’s there when I need her, and I’ll forever be there when she needs me…but we don’t talk every day. Months can go by and yet we’ve never skipped a beat with each other…

I’m beginning to learn the difference between bad apples and tart apples…tart apples have flavor, some would even call it pizzazz…but you don’t want to eat a tart apple every day….

Today

Feeling compelled to write, to wonder…to dream and reflect.
Nothing spills forth, comprehension is nil and yet amazement is at full throttle.

Mesmerized by the natural, the mundane and the simple, that’s me lately.

"The role of a writer is not to say what weall can say, but what we areunable to say." - Anais Nin (1914-1977) French-born American Novelist, Dancer